Learning to Hope

Chapter 1~ Zhaianna

There was a time when everything was as it should be. My family was the most important, I still believed in Santa Claus, and everything was perfect. But that was before. Before I forgot how to love people, and most importantly myself. Before I learned to hate everything. Everything has changed. I have lost hope.~ Zhaianna

Zhaianna

It seems that my life is a complete lie. It feels like I am a second-hand character in this play known as life. It feels all too fake. I can't help but sigh. The people around me remain undisturbed by the minuscule sound. Today was a hassle, I thought to myself, I am bored, maybe I should talk to people in the room. The room was assaulted by the side conversations and intense debates. I slowly turn to my right and glanced across the room, and I see many familiar faces. But have decided against better judgment to remain in my seat. Biting my lip lightly, I can't help but eavesdrop on the current conversations. God, I am so nosy. I continued to concentrate on the drawing I am currently working. It's a dragon, well as of right now it is only the wings. Maybe this is why I don't have many friends, I inwardly laugh to myself, I care more about my dragon than people. Maybe I should go somewhere quieter. I got my three ringed, light brown sketchbook along with my pencil pouch with the stealth only seen in martial arts movies. I steer clear of all people, I am no good at handling people and answering their questionnaires. I mean they sometimes try to talk to me too because they are nice but then it gets all weird. Plus, they ask a ton of questions they should already know the answer like: "it's been really cold lately" or "did you have class?". Why else would I be in school if I didn't have class? I kept my eyes glued to the ground to avoid any eye contact as I plowed through the room to reach the door.

"Hey Zhaianna, are you done for the day?" Thien asked.

I looked at him, making eye contact and immediately cursed myself for doing so. Come on Zhaianna you got this! Just answer him.

"...Y..Yes..." I responded barley above a whisper.

"What was that?" he asked again.

"YES." I raised my voice and immediately regretted and cursed my vocal cords. That came a lot harsher than I intended.

"Oh...ok. See you later." He replied.

I didn't acknowledge his response, I turned around in a flash and got out the door. I felt like everyone's eyes were directly on me. If possible I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. How could I possibly do that! I really hate myself. My faces remained stoic and emotionless. I got out of the room in a hurried manner. It seems that whenever I try to interact with people it goes all wrong. Sometimes I wonder if God forgot to integrate the human communications function in me. I walked with a purpose towards the elevator in hopes of evading people entirely. It was not until I got into the elevator that I relaxed. I pushed the button for floor 1, the doors were closing. Unfortunately, someone decided to enter as well. I scooted to the corner of the elevator trying to make myself invisible and glued my eyes to the floor.

The elevator went dreadfully slow. It seemed that seconds were turning into millenniums. Until finally I reached my awaited destination. I waited awkwardly for the person in front of me to get out first. Only after the other passenger got out did I have the courage to follow along on my journey for peace and quiet. I went straight out of the library, passing right in front of the Starbucks and about a dozen other students. There was one person who caught my attention. There right outside was a girl. She was laughing, talking, and having a good time. She was surrounded by people, even I as a stranger was captivated by her. This girl wasn't necessarily breathtaking beautiful or irresistibly attractive, but the way she was confident and held herself was captivating. She was everything I was not. I stood here stupidly admiring how effortlessly she seemed to be a functioning human being. Will I ever be like her? Probably not. It was hard enough for me as it is. And to think that it would be possible for me to be like her, that's is a big no no for me. But I mean it doesn't hurt to dream, right? Or at least that is what I tell myself to not feel too bad at my lack of communicational skills. I decided to stop staring at the fascinating creature in front of me and keep going on. I walked passed the Starbucks and tried incredibly hard to keep my eyes glued to the floor. The last thing I needed right now was to do something stupid. But there is a part of me that didn't want that. I find myself constantly having to correct my eyes to remain downcast. Is it wrong to want to be walking with my head held high, looking at everything as I pass? To be part of the world that has rejected me from the very start? I gathered the thread thin courage I managed to muster and looked up. There are at least fifty other college students rushing or minding their own business. I focused my gaze on a tree. A normal tree, nothing extraordinary but as the wind smoothly caressed each ripe green leaf and dark sandy branches causing the tree to dance hypnotically I forgot about everything else. It was peaceful, and it put me to ease but at the same time, I waited for that peacefulness to be snatched away.