Learning to Hope

Chapter 5~ Zhaianna

              I find myself, at times, thinking if I really do belong here. I am so different and am always alone. Who, would miss me?  My existence is minuscule compared to others. Sometimes I feel like I am only a waste of space. I am not pretty, smart, or anything special. Yet, here I am. I want to know why I am here? Why do I keep fighting to live? ~Zhaianna

Zhaianna

10 minutes later

I opened the door to my current apartment and sighed to myself. Today was unexpected, definitely unexpected. I walked in while nodding to myself. I was going towards the kitchen, there my roommate was just exiting the kitchen. I screamed for my dear life, she, on the other hand, was bending over laughing.

"WTF! BITCH YOU SCARED THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME!" I yelled at her as I held my right hand onto my wildly beating heart.

"Hey I was talking to you but you were so deep in your own thoughts." she smirked.

"Hahaha...no" I replied sarcastically.

I moved passed her into the kitchen. I was starving now that my heart rate returned to normal.

" So what were you thinking of?"

"Drop it, Danielle. It was nothing."

I moved through the kitchen to heat up some leftover pasta. I could feel her stare making a hole onto the back of my head. I tried to ignore it. Damn this woman, she knows me too well. We have known each other since elementary school and luckily applied to the same university. I really love her, but other times I want to strangle her. Right now would be one of those other times. I moved towards the kitchen sink which had all the plates that we have ignored for three days.  Just ignore her, she will get fed up pretty quickly and leave me alone...right? I concentrated even harder on the stain of one of the pans. It was the end of that sucker.

"You ignoring me will change nothing, so spill it bitch." Danielle sang all too happily.

Sigh. I should have known that this was not going to work.

" I don's know what you are talking about" I feigned ignorance.

"Oh please! Sure, keep acting stupid. It fits you."

I turned around in a millisecond and without any comprehensive thought, I threw the sponge at my unwanted roommate with the accuracy of a sniper. She, of course, was expecting it and karate chopped the sponge away.

"Curse your overly Asian genes. And no. I am not being stupid. I just had a bad day."

She rolled her eyes at me, and came around our counter into the kitchen." Like I said, spill it."

I went on to tell her how I failed to talk to the people in the library room, again. I hesitated a little over telling her about the incident with Viking and his bitchy friend. But my conviction wavered with her glare and I proceeded to tell her my run in with them. I told her about how the stupid incident started, and the bitch who really needed some sense knocked into her, and also about him.

"How does he look?" She asked.

"Well like a guy, you know...muscles...tall, and nice hair. His eyes were a nice green. But yeah...um..so that's it" I studdered.

"Nice green eyes, huh?" She asked seriously. I could see the smirk that was tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Well I need to go, you know upstairs...my room. See you later" I escaped to the safety of my room.

Another minute with that woman would have been unnerving. I turn on the fan that allows for a gentle breeze to caress my skin softly. Almost like a whisper.  I looked towards my bed. It was painful to do so, it felt like needles were being prickled all over my body, torturing me. I ignored the feeling. I went into my little walk-in closet that I turned into my desk space with my backpack in hand. I put it on the desk, I needed to draw. I reached into my backpack.

Nothing.

I panicked and stood up directly in front of the backpack and frantically searched for it. Where was it? FUCK! Don't tell me I left it in school. I grabbed my backpack and tossed it across the room.

"FUCKING SHIT!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"Are you ok?" Danielle's muffled voice pierce behind my bedroom door.

"Yeah...just...uh-stubbed my toe. I'm fine" I lied.

I was not fine, that sketchbook is worth everything to me. It has everything that has ever gone through my mind. If anyone were to find it, it would be like I bared my soul to that person. How could I possibly leave that behind? I turned on my fan on the highest setting, now like a violent hurricane and went to the top shelf in my closet. I got on my tips of my feet and reached for my cigarettes and lighter. My mind was growing darker by the minute. I needed to let the pain flow out of me. that sketchbook is the only thing that I have to hold my sanity. I need my sketchbook. Who am I kidding? What I need is another life, another chance? I never imagined that God would hate me this much. I drew a deep breath. Feeling the nicotine fill my lungs, constricting my throat. Leaving a bittersweetness in my mouth. I blew out the familiar gray smoke near my window, escaping into the night air. I close my eyes, in the background, I could hear the voice I would give anything to hear.

                                                                                         ♫ ♫ ♫

  Every time I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past is gone

It went by like dusk to dawn Isn't that the way?

Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows

Where it comes and where it goes

I know it's everybody's sin

You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life's in books' written pages

Live and learn from fools and from sages

You know it's true

All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year

Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear

Sing with me if it's just for today

Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away   

                                                                                             ♫ ♫ ♫

A tear slips from my eyes. I know that wishing for something will not do anything but I cant help but hope. Hope that this is all a nightmare I will wake up from. And when I do my mom will wake me up in the morning, and give me a long hug.

My phone goes off.  I try to contain my rage.I throw my phone at the wall, I couldn't care less if it broke. This is not a nightmare, this is my life. And things won't change. I can't escape my reality. I contain the scream that itches my throat to escape. I lay on my bed, in a fetal position and focus on my rage. I am barely holding on by a thread, I know that, but a small laugh escapes my lips. This is how it will always be for me. I don't even try to close my eyes, I know sleeping is useless. Instead, I let insomnia cradle me roughly throughout the moonless night.