Learning to Hope

Chapter 3 ~ Zhaianna

         Sometimes just being me hurts. I hate how alone I really am, it seems like I am trapped in an endless abyss with no exit. No warmth. Nothing. It's scary. I don't know what I am supposed to do to get out, but at the same time I feel secure and I never want to get out. In this emptiness and darkness, it seems like nothing more can hurt me.-Zhaianna

Zhaianna

This is what happens when I get distracted and pretend to fit in. Uuuggghhh!!! Just what I needed. This stupid guy couldn't watch where he was going. I hadn't even been distracted for more than 5 minutes and BAM. It all goes to hell. I stared wide eyed at the gigantic monster in front of me. Dear lord, this guy is probably like 7 feet, he could squash me like a bug if he wants! He looked like a freaking viking, all muscle and tall. My voice froze and I felt a chill in my spine. The similar panic settled in, right on time.

"HEY, he said he was sorry! You don't have to act like a total bitch!" a voice from my side appeared.

I snapped my neck so fast I'm surprised it didn't snap in half. I turned around to glance at the voice that had just accused me. It was that same girl that I had just been staring at. That panic turned darker, and stronger. It morphed into vivid anger. How dare this person call me a...a bitch?!?

"If he had looked where he was going at first it wouldn't have happened in the first place!" I responded.

I have a short temper that temporarily made me forget that I am a shy closed off person. In that moment, I was focused on the stupid giant that couldn't look at where he was going. I narrowed my gaze towards him, through the corner of my eye I could see the woman roll her eyes at me. This was seriously starting to piss me off. I had been captivated by that same woman 10 minutes, now I wanted to grab her slender neck and strangle her until her eyes popped out. Then the fact that the two guys are staring at us like we are some type of attraction. Arrggghhhh!!! I'm not much of the confrontation type, but I am definitely not a push over either. I was not in the wrong here! It was his fault for not watching where he was going! This is so infuriating.

"Listen ok?! He was the one that should have been paying attention, sorry if telling the truth is being a bitch. Also back off, this does not concern you in the least. So fuck off" I spit out.

"You think that because you have that dark shit on, and the 'oh I want to kill myself. Cut, cut..." she gestured to her wrist and mimicked a cutting motion. "...I wont hit you?!" the woman

Her words stung me. All that anger I had within me like a burning forest went stone cold. My body went ridged. Her words got to me. This is exactly what happens when I let my walls down and let any type of emotion out. Even a few minutes of anger could be the end of me. There is a constant war on my mind, but my face revealed nothing. I plastered that similar mask and placed it firmly on my face and smirked towards her.

"Then do it. I would like to see you try." I said in a cool tone.

My voice was cold and distant, as it should be. I am past trying to work this out. I just want to get away from these people. I can feel the familiar numbness spread through my chest, eventually dispersing through my whole body. I sigh. I wait for any signal that she might actually act out on her threat.

"CHELSEA, APOLOGIZE!" the giant's voice thunders out.

I turn around to face him. His gaze catches mine. I can honestly say that I have no idea what is happening. I am usually frightened of yelling, but it's like his voice called out to me. Both of our eyes hold each other. I am helpless to do anything but keep staring. A small part of me would like to cower away and hide, but the other wants to keep near his presence, and beautiful green eyes. They are alluring.

I shake the thought out of my mind. Oh please, I should know better than this. Focus Zhaianna!!! I am taken out of my thought when the woman named Chelsea cusses the giant out.

"Killian don't be ridiculous, she is a total bitch don't defend her!" Chelsea said.

Ah, so his name is Killian. That's a weird name.

"I don't care Chelsea, you were out of line there. Even if she was being a bitch, that comment was uncalled for." Killian said.

His tone was calm and understanding. I could see the fight with in Chelsea's eyes dim. She walked right beside the other man and settled under his arm. She met my gaze shortly and spoke.

"I am sorry, I have a short temper. And Killian is right, I went out of line. Your appearance is not my concern..."

I nodded my head slightly in order to show that I acknowledged her apology. I breathed in and out, evading their eyes. I bent down to grab the things that had fallen. Killian put his backpack beside me and bent down to help me. He flashed me a smile. I felt the corners of my own mouth start to tug, but I held them firmly in place. I didn't want him touching my stuff but I feel like that would go back to the same argument I had just barely escaped. So I clamped my mouth shut when he grabbed my pencil pouch and handed it to me.

"Sorry 'bout that." Killian said shyly while one of his hand reached his shaggy dark brown hair and rustled it a bit.

I shoved the things into my backpack and glanced at my phone. 7:23 pm, great I have been here too long. After getting situated I turned around as fast as I could and walked towards the bike rack. I moved towards my familiar bike with the extremely worn out tires, a seat with a small gash on it, and the purple and pink colored body.

This was most definitely more than enough excitement for one day. I got on and forced myself not to look back. I place my earphones in and decided to blast up my music. I could hear muffled yelling in the background. The guy was probably cussing me out for being a bitch, but I didn't care. What I wanted right now more than anything was to get home, take a shower, and sleep forever. His green eyes popped into my head, and in the processes almost got myself killed by almost running into the street light pole. Dammit. I changed my music, and decided that becoming deaf wasn't such a bad thing as the music went to full volume. I just wanted to get home.