Love

Decisions

I haven't had a proper conversation with Tobey for a few weeks now. I hate that I'm avoiding him but I really don't want my emotions ruining our relationship.

I don't know what I would do without him...

But what if he does like me back?

No. I can't take that risk.

He doesn't anyway.

I shouldn't get my hopes up like that.

I should tell him though. Shouldn't I?

It's better to tell him and face whatever happens than not tell him and live a lie and hide what I really feel for him.

Do I even feel anything for him?

It's obvious he cares for me but do I care for him the same way?

Argh!

I just don't know what to do!

I need to talk to someone about it but the only people I can think of is Mrs Lee, who would be no help and just spread rumours about us, or Tobey himself which also wouldn't be a good idea.

I'm terrible at making decisions on my own.

As school hasn't closed yet and I assume my form teacher will still be here, I make my way to my form room. On my first day I struggled finding my way there, now I can go there with my eyes closed. It's amazing what one year can do.

"Hi, Mrs Lee."

"Oh, Lena! What a pleasant surprise! What can I help you with? Boy troubles?"

Strangely enough, she's right.

"Yeah actually."

She hides it well but I can see the glint in her eye when I say that. She must know who I'm talking about.

"Ah. Finally realised your feelings for Tobey, have you?"

Straight to the point.

"In a way, yeah..."

"And you don't know what to do?"

"..."

"Don't worry. I was young too once and I felt the same way about a guy I liked. I didn't want to say anything because he was a close friend of mine but I didn't want to keep it to myself as it would tear away at me inside. What if he likes me too? How can I act like a friend when really I want to be more than that? So many questions that wouldn't get answered unless I said something."

I still can't believe she can be profound.

"That man was my husband."

I really can't believe that! She's so lucky.

"I really shouldn't be telling you this, Tobey made me promise to keep it a secret from everyone, especially you, but I feel you need to know this."

My chest gets tight. What is she going to tell me? What has Tobey said? Is it good? Is it bad? Does he hate me or love me?

From the expression she's wearing, I can tell she knows what I'm thinking.

"You really shouldn't be avoiding him, you know."

What?

"He's hurting because of it. You're the only friend he has at school now..."

"Now?"

"I've had him as a student for a few years now, the first year I had him, I think it was year nine, he made friends with a girl he sat next to. He was a very open and lively boy." The way he is now, I never would have thought he'd ever been lively. "They got close and Tobey came to me to ask what he should do, he liked her, it was obvious that he did, I told him to go for it and see what happened. The girl said no. That destroyed Tobey's confidence and he was a lot more quiet after that. Even though he was rejected, they continued to be friends, until one day the girl... she..." I think I understand what she means. "Anyway, that completely broke Tobey. He'd never lost anyone like that before and had no idea how to cope. From that day on, he blames himself for what happened and hurts himself." That explains that. "He doesn't know that I know, but it's obvious he does. Well, to me it is."

I can't think of anything to say... It's awful...

"Do you remember on your first day when Tobey had to stay behind briefly after form?"

"Vaguely."

"I was making sure he was okay with everything I had said. I apologised for getting carried away but he needed to break through the glass box that surrounded him and you were the best way for that to happen. I used you to make Tobey happy again. It worked... for a while. After you stopped talking to him, he came to me. He asked if he'd done something wrong. He was worried you'd leave him like the first girl did."

"I know it's not an excuse, but I had no idea about any of this. He never told me..." I'm not going to say it out loud but, it hurts. He should be able to tell me anything and everything.

"He's not the only one hiding secrets in your relationship."

"What should I do..."

"Apologise and tell him how you really feel."

"I don't know if I can..."

"I can do it, if you want!"

"No! It's fine! I can do it! Don't worry." I really don't want to know how she would do it.

"Go on. Head home. I have marking to do."

Before I leave the room, I turn around and say, "Thank you. I don't think I could have made the decision on my own."

"Come back anytime for some of my sage advice."

"Will do."