Not The Crying Type | p.l.

56

Michelle

Tonight was one of them nights where I thought hard about unnecessary shit.

I mainly felt this way from not talking to anyone, dwelling on the thought about Dan running away and looking through old memories.
Of Jason and I.
My dead boyfriend who had gone crazy.

This was one of the last pictures we took together before shit went down hill.
Probably about four or five years ago.

I had put this on Instagram, along with so many other photos which I deleted soon after the drama started.

I had a lot of flashbacks tonight, they weren't pleasant.

...

[March 2013]

"I r-really like you Michelle.. like love.." the boy stuttered in front of me, I just stood there, confused on how to react.
I was with Jason, so I couldn't.. I had to reject him.

"I-I love you too- but not in that way." I replied, stuttering.
My throat went completely dry.

"I'm sorry Tom." I apologised, I watched as tears swelled up in his eyes.

"Oh- okay.." he sighed tearfully, weakly turning away.

He walked away as I stood there, feeling guilty.

[A few weeks later]

"Michelle!" My mum called worriedly, I groaned and hurried downstairs, preparing myself to be questioned about technology.

"Yes mum?" I replied.

"Have you heard about Tom George?" She asked, I shook my head.

"Why?"

My mum took a breath and exhaled deeply, looking down at the tiles of the kitchen.

"He was apparently murdered, in an alleyway near the school."

"W-What?" I stuttered, "T-Tom?"

My mum nodded again, looking upset.

"Oh my god.." I mumbled, making my way back to my room.

My phone vibrated, making me jump as I pulled it out of my pocket.

Jason: I'm sorry

[A few months later]

@/JasxnAsh: hello everyone, this isn't Jason, this is his friend Jake.
I am responsible for feeding the news that Jason took his own life over being accused of abuse and murder on the 13th July 2013.
He loved this picture of him and his girlfriend.
The last words he said to me were, "Stay away, Im a fucking psycho who's a murderer and an abuser."
Please dm me on my account
@/JxkeW for help and support.
Stay safe everybody.

Tagged: @/MichelleRosex and @/JxkeW

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I remember after reading that Instagram I was so broken.
Yes, I was still in love with Jason.
He was the light of my life.

In the past year it wasn't completely clear but he would get angry really quickly.
Sometimes he'd hit me..
He'd hurt me.
But me being me I believed it was just uncontrollable anger.
I didn't take it seriously.

Little did I know Jason had gone completely insane, frankly- it was obvious; I was just to head over heels for him to believe that he was insane.

Shouting at himself in the mirror, yeah- Seems believable.

No wonder I found random razors scattered out over the bathroom.
He told me everything would be alright so I believed him, even when I asked about the razors.

"it's nothing, don't worry baby- it's all fine."

Those words had stuck with me.

Now the issues been solved I was so dumb to stay with him, he hurt me, mentally abused me and made me feel terrible.
But I always fell for his soft side, where he would comfort me.

It turns out he killed Tom out of anger because he loved me.
So it was my fault for Tom's death.

And then Jason was accused of murder and abuse.
Then he took his own life.
Also my fault.

I was questioned about our relationship and I was basically forced to spill, so I did.
I cried actual tears, that was the last time I had a breakdown.
Over my first love.

I was the reason Jason was jealous, I'm the reason for two deaths.
And my loss of hope for 2013.

For the rest of 2013 I was depressed, I hardly ate, hardly socialised, hardly went out.

I just stayed in all day, staring at my wall and pondering.

But one day I wrote a song.