I haven't eaten today. Not much. And I should be feeling starving because it's 8 in the evening now, and the only thing I have in my stomach is a burger and yet it feels like there's a ton there. But that's not a good thing. My eyes feel heavy, and my heart aches. There's this hole inside that can never be justified, I know that. And I don't know how many times I told myself that I wouldn't have let you make me feel something if I knew you'd take it with you when you go. And you won't ever give it back. I can never take it. I can never take it back to fill the void inside, I can't.
That same night when we part and I was alone, I keep telling myself that I won't let you that near. I won't let you see me, I won't let you hear me, I won't let you.. near me... enough to ruin me. I can't let you ruin me. I can't let you ruin us, the real us. I won't bring my own self close enough to the flames to let it burn me but I can't.. I didn't, I couldn't.. help myself.
There are random moments that you'll just pop in my memory, you know. Washing the dishes, walking around somewhere, or when I'm talking to people, you just show there in my mind, and I remember the moments from our short time spent together, and something just calls out to you, knowing you won't answer, you won't even notice.
And I knew, I knew from the moment I heard the news that you're back it wouldn't be good for me. I can't believe I still fell for the trap that I dug my own. That first time we got to be around each other left marks, but it wasn't deep enough to cut me.
I should have known, I should have known this could be the outcome when I spent that night thinking it has been a while since I felt that way after living a routine. I should have paid attention to myself when I was so giddy to tell a friend about what happened even though it was all normal.
Maybe I shouldn't have told anyone about that first day, because right after I went home I saw you. That cursed me. I pushed and pushed my luck, thinking it's nothing big. Who would have thought?
I thought that's what's best, I thought I did it right. Because you'll be gone after and everything's going to be back to normal, it's okay to give in. I gave in. And now I can't seem to get back up. I don't know what's going on in that mind of yours, but I know my tendencies. And God knows I would have stuck to plain and boring than endure the pain that no pain killers can ever kill.
I hate you. I hate you so much. I know we're young but I know you know, that you just don't make someone feel special and ignore them right after. We're different, I'm aware. But I can't find the answer even when I search everywhere; Why couldn't you answer even just one of my messages? How could you just leave me on seen? I told you. When you asked me if we were friends I told you I didn't want to be friends with someone then watch them slip away. I told you I don't wanna make friends when it's inevitable I'm going to lose them anyway. I told you very clearly I do not want to be friends with you because I'm just going to lose you eventually anyway and you said I won't. You said we will keep in touch. But then again you say a lot of fucking things. I wonder why you keep asking me if I consider you as my friend all those times we're together. You keep asking for contact. And I always give it to you. Even when I try to be mad because you were rude or being disrespectful or lying, I couldn't leave you hanging. I always give in. I always say I hate you, but you'll always do your move and I don't know why I can't leave you hanging there. And then you'll ask me again, and I'll say yes. Of course. I never left you hanging, looking like a fool. I always say I consider you as a friend, and that's true. It doesn't matter now, though. It doesn't matter.
If I knew you'd do me like this, I wouldn't have done you like that.
-If I knew.
