Daddy,
Hi. I don't know what to say. I'm rendered speechless in my old room feeling, well, numb now. I miss you. I miss your smile and the light you provide for us. You have no idea how much I need and appreciate it. You, you're one of the best persons in this world. And I hope you know that. How's work? I hope they weren't all dickheads. And I'm really bothered about the cook there not cooking proper food, and the shift arrangement. I just want you to get enough sleep. It's been less than half a month, I think. I think I'm taking a 360 degree turn. And I'm sitting alone in my room now but I'm not crying. Well, not crying as hard as I was earlier, as hard as I need to. The boy I told you I liked, he didn't come at the party. And he doesn't care about me at all so it doesn't really matter. And there's this other boy, he's in my classes and he told me something and I broke my promise so I lost his trust. I care about him, sort of. He doesn't. But it's fine. There's this guy, he's my bestfriend. He's in love with me, and I've told him so many times the truth that I can only offer him friendship but I know he still has the feelings I told him to lose and it makes me really uncomfortable and sad and I don't know how many more times do I need to talk to him about it. I don't want to anymore. I don't know what to do, honestly, so I guess I just, I'll let everything flow. And there's this new guy, he's one of the things I have in my head when I told you multiple times I don't want to ever break your trust in me. He says he likes me. I don't know if I like him. Whenever something makes me think we can date, the guy I told you I like but didn't like me pops in my head. And I think: what about him? What if he one day decides he likes me and I'm taken. That would be a shame. Back to this boy though, he tells me he likes me. He tells me things like he'll be a better person if we date. He tells me he'll take me to dance first thing, and let his friend take me. Couple of dances later, I saw him with his sort of ex, dancing. It kind of irritated me. I'm not jealous it's just awkward because she's my friend and he's been feeding me lies, so it's making me feel uncomfortable. He walked over to me after that, and then grabbed my hand and led me to dance. And he asked why I'm angry, but I tell him I'm not. This is awkward, but I don't tell him that. He tells me something he'll do later, like a promise, but he didn't follow through that too. He tells me he likes me and then don't ever talk to me at all. He can be confusing, and sweet, but I don't think I'd be falling for it. I'm not sure if he actually likes me, he's told me a lot of things but none of that include the actual words: I like you. Or whatever. I don't really know, to be honest.Oh, and my friends. I don't know about them. My feelings towards them are constantly changing. And it's not something I'd like to stress at the moment.
Oh, and me and mum, we've been bantering playfully before right. We're getting worse, I think. We've started fighting again. And I'm just so sick of it, dad. She doesn't know when to stop, consider, appreciate, admit. She doesn't do a lot of things. She's great though, to my siblings. It's just me she hates. I really want to tell you how I feel about her, I want you to hear my side of the story but I'm paranoid you might fight about it because I'm a dramatic freak. And that, I don't want you to tell me I'm crazy or I'm ungrateful again. I don't want you to tell me I'm selfish like you did when I told you about my cutting on my birthday. You're one of my strongest anchors, and I don't want to drown. I'm tired of fighting with her. There are so much in my head right now but I don't want to say it because words are permanent. But her, sometimes she doesn't know how to listen. She ignores my cries in the night that I know she hears that I try to muffle. I don't want her to notice and take action, but I still hope she does. It's complicated. She screams at me when I'm crying and threatens me when I don't want to eat. I'm going to end this here.
It's all coming back, dad. I've been cutting again, this past month, or months. I've been clean for a while but shit got heavy again. I try to stop, but it's getting harder. And my entire family hating me isn't helping. It's all coming back. Me sitting here in my old room with only my phone again is like one of the biggest proofs of that. I'm here again, like I was that point in time, when I learned how to be alone and feel peaceful of solitude. That time when I didn't want myself. It's all coming back, dad. Me and mum started fighting, and I've been cutting and I'm alone and I'm at false peace and the worst is I, in a way, like it. I missed it and I don't want to be this way anymore, dad. This is so hard, dad. I don't want to go back there anymore. I don't want the notebook under my bed with the blade between its pages. I don't want bloody wrists or thighs. Not anymore. I'm going back to that hole where I tried crawling so hard out of, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop, dad. I need help. Please help me. Please understand. Please. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to get it. I don't know, dad. I'm slowly getting lost. In here. Again. And I don't want it anymore. Please help me.
-Leo.//Letters I needed to write but don't wish to send.
