1. This goes out to all of those people that feels like she needs them. Don't feel all superior, it'll hurt when you fall low.
2. She doesn't need you. She may want you, and that's okay. She can fool herself into thinking you're ideal, but she will soon realise that she was wrong. When that time comes, you probably won't like it especially if it's gotten in your head.
3. The kind she needs is the kind that needs her.
4. She can't explain herself. She can't. And she will feel worse if she feels like she's being forced to.
5. She won't understand herself. She will understand a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of situations, but those doesn't include herself. Her behavior. See, it's easy to speculate and make theories about someone else, because you can end it whenever. But you're stuck with yourself, so even when you try to make reasons for things about you, it will constantly change because you constantly do things, constantly feel things.
6. She finds it hard to focus. Sometimes her thoughts are too loud she can't hear her own voice. She will always try to find her way back to the main, but she will always get lost in the process too, and most likely lose the thing she actually has in her mind.
7. She knows she can't go back in time. You can't change what already happened but that does not mean you will not think, and think, and think about it. And boy does she overthinks.
8. She will be a mess, she will not be easy to understand. And she wants to call her friends or a friend until she realizes how difficult it is to explain and how they won't understand. Hell, even she doesn't understand.
9. She knows that no one will understand why her heart is aching, or why her knees are trembling, or why her hands are shaking. No one will understand why she's crying so hard. Because there are no obvious reasons. It just happens. I probably won't tell my dad a single thing about these ever again. I don't want him to worry. I don't want to hear how these actions are only done by crazy people. I don't want him to think that I am going mad. Again. Maybe not the "again", or maybe when he realised he belittled something before and now it's gotten big. I want to talk. I do, I want to talk to people until I get it off my chest how I feel such a loser when I was so awkward at that fucking event. I want to say it until the aching is gone, how I feel such a fucking failure every time everyone asks me why I didn't join a certain contest to showcase my talent and the only answer I have is that: I have stagefright. And I am so fucking terrified. Their expectations terrify me and I fail all of them one by one. And all the spaces in between.
10. I'm not strong enough. That's the truth. And I am so sorry, I am so sorry if I wasn't the daughter that you wanted. I am genuinly sorry. I am so fucking weak I can't even stand up for myself.
-I keep losing track of my thoughts.
