hello :3

rants also fUCK SOCIETY

this will be the rantiest rant about crappy ppl telling ppl to repress everything. prepare your mind.
aLRIGHT so first imma say what the fuck is wrong with ppl. background info: i've had more family deaths than i can count. so when the first couple relatives went, i kinda had a kindergarten version of depression and slight anger issues. i had to go see a therapist to try to cope with as many deaths as i had to, and she told me to repress all negative emotions. sad? just act happy, you'll fool yourself. angry? just act happy, you'll fool yourself. even some positive emotions too, like excitement. there were a lot of times where i just wanted to cry, but i had been told by everyone to just act like those feelings weren't there. my family, my friends, everyone. so i was forced to learn how to lie. lie about how i felt. lie about what i liked. lie about everything. i always liked bands like fall out boy and my chemical romance, but that wasn't "normal", it was bad. so i learned to lie even more. my family really likes music from the 60s and 70s, so i was told i just needed to blend in. my favorite band at home was jefferson starship. at school, i would be made fun of. my favorite band there was one direction (eWW). i had to listen to green day and cry only when i was home alone. it was harder to wrote that than i thought because i was raised to think "crying is bad. it makes everyone laugh at you. it makes you feel frustrated. it ruins everything." so fuck you, society. i had to do this until i was eleven. then i was like, "screw it, i like panic! at the disco not one direction or jefferson starship. i am not happy. i am stressed. i am anxious. i don't sleep." everyone in my family is just so fucking perfect in everyone's eyes. my older cousin samantha is straight. she's cis. she never converted from catholic. she gets as in school. she has a boyfriend. she plays sports. she can sing. she's pretty. she has great eyesight. she's got no physical or mental things to worry about. perfect. tons of friends. money. dog. loves life. everything. and i'm just like, "i'm pansexual. i'm genderfluid. i converted bc i can do what i want and no religion is wrong. i get bs (aka b is for bad) bc i'm too anxious to do shit. no one likes me enough to date me. i can't do sports. i can't sing. i'm ugly. i have horrible eyesight. multiple eye disabilities (like lack of depth perception, exotropia, esotropia, weird retina). i have shit like insomnia and anxiety etc. a couple irl friends. decent. no dog. no will to live. nothing." don't get me wrong, i fucking love my cousins. just sometimes the rest of my family sees me as a disappointment. probably bc i break everything i touch.
i used to talk so much, but now i've gone quiet. no ones noticed before. you know why? bc no one pays attention. ppl at school are still surprised i go there and forgot i existed. most of my family doesn't even know my name or what i look like. if they do know, they're mostly just like, "oh that confused probably lesbian (note: there's literally nothing wrong with being lesbian these are just actual things i have heard ppl say) emo girl? yeah she's weird. you never should've let her listen to those demonic bands." UGH. the only time in my family i can act like myself is when i'm with my cousin zoe in the woods while we blast fall out boy and scream "I'D TRADE ALL MY TOMORROWS FOR JUST ONE YESTERDAYYYY" and shoot little movies on our phones that no one but us will ever see. i'll probably have more later, but writing this makes me want to listen to just one yesterday again.