A Dream Diary

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We were in the kitchen. Mom, my sister and me.
Having some cookies and milk, mom had coffee too. No one was saying anything. It's normal these days.
Then suddenly the phone in the living room began to ring silently. It was like it has been behind some thick curtain.
No one moved and so the automatic voice answered after a while.
But it was his voice.
We hadn't changed it since that day.
I stood up to go and turn it off.
I couldn't bear it.
I remember wondering how we never had our voices, especially his, recorded on there.
But then I entered the room. For the first time I realised that it was our previous appartment, in the town that I always hated.
And he was sitting there. Talking with -I don't care who- in his warm soft but deep voice, sitting, smiling. It has never been the voice mail.
I went straight back to the kitchen and said :
"Mom, paps is aswering the phone."
She gave me an anxious look.
I repeated my words and went back to him.
She followed me.
And he was still sitting there.
I sat next to him and grabbed his right arm, hold it tightly, never intending to let it go.
He was warm and his hairy arms soft.
His hands were still so big, I remembered the times he took mine between his, to make them warm.
He was always so strong, and I always fought against him. We used to disagree a lot and fight over it.
After that nothing really happened and the dream ended.
Pops is dead since 3 months now.
We always had a complicated relationship, and I don't understand why I want him to be back.
But I want it so badly, I miss him.
I never want to let go.
In the old appartment he was still alive, but we all knew he was dead in my dream and that's why I held on to him so hard.
It hurts how clear I can remember his voice.