Lethal Lullaby

Secrets

We are almost at the end of January now Matthew has been ignoring me for weeks. Every time I sit next to him in chemistry or physics I am greeted by stone cold silence. Typically, he had been moved into my physics class as it worked better for his schedule than the other class that ran on a different day. At least that's what Paige told me, you want to find out anything Paige is your girl, she is the gossip queen.

I have tried on a few occasions to talk to him, and he shot me down every single time with a deadening silence. After my first two attempts, I gave up. I am trying to get over these feelings I feel for Matthew, the connection I feel to him. But I can't no matter how hard I try, when I think I finally have I see him again and all those feelings come rushing back. He has me up against a wall and I'm powerless to get away. I just want him to talk to me. Why is it so hard for him to do that? I don't understand him, but I want to. He is like no one I have ever met before, he is different in a good way, I think.

I am beginning to feel the way I did that night on the bridge in London, empty, cold, and hollow. I have never felt like I belong in this world, when he was alive I felt at least that life had meaning, that it was justified. When he left this world, so did my reason for being, I was alone and I had no one there to catch me. I have tried therapy, I have tried medication, it helps but it doesn't change how I feel. It just suppresses it in order to let me live my life and not try anything stupid again. Everything I felt before is still there I have just grown numb to it due to the anti-depressants. I know that my condition isn't a good one if it goes un monitored or un medicated. But, sometimes I just want to explode and let it all out. I don't know if it would help, but anything is worth a try. I don't want to be numb anymore, but I take my medication for the sake of my family, what is left of it anyway.

When I first met Matthew, I felt like the world had meaning again, that I had purpose. Now he is shutting me out, making me feel alone again and I don't know if in this emotional state, I will survive rejection from the only one that seems for some reason to make me feel alive. Someone I have only just met shouldn't have this kind of power over me, it doesn't make any sense. But, he does and I can't fight it and if I'm being honest with myself I don't want to either. Even though his silence hurts me to my core, I can't give up on him, on how he makes me feel. My heart won't give me the option of letting go, of turning back, in a way I wish it would. But, if It did I would feel even more alone and even more empty than I already do and I can't go back to that I just can't.

It's Tuesday afternoon, time for physics again. As I entered the class I saw Matthew already sitting there in is his seat by the window as usual. Every time I think I have gotten over him he has to come back and just sit there so beautiful, with those mesmerising earthly green eyes. And those seductive, strawberry lips and that messy brown hair shining so bright as the light bounced off it through the window. He makes me feel weak at the knees, how I long to steal just one kiss. Then there's his body, I almost passed out as I stared at those abs and striking pecks. He is the only guy that makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. No matter how much I try I just can't take my eyes off him.

Once again, the only seat that was available was the one sitting next to him. Is no one ever off sick? Obviously not, goody two shoes children can suck at times. I suppose this would be like every other period of him ignoring me as if I don't even exist. I may as well be air I am that invisible to him, maybe then I could be useful I could be the oxygen that helps him breath.

"Ok class we are going to be doing something different today, we are running a charity event to raise money for the children's hospital. The teachers have been very busy coming in early this morning to set up. The person sitting next to you will be the one you will be working with today."