Lethal Lullaby

The Truth

No secrets I had said, I guess this was the time to unleash the skeletons from my closet. I don't feel ready, but I guess I'll never be ready to talk about the worst moment in my life. The biggest moments in your life define you, and this is the single moment in mine that defines me.

I left his arms and went to sit down on my bed, he followed. I couldn't stop the tears from leaving my eye lids and sliding down my face. Matthew's arms were around me in seconds, I know he won't like seeing me like this but there is no way around it. I opened the box I had tried so hard to close, everything just came pouring out a years' worth of feelings and emotions. I could feel the pain and misery circulating all around my body looking for a way to escape.

"Marissa, you are killing me here, what's wrong?" he fretted.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I asked in despair.

"Of course, I do, I hate seeing you like this," he agonised.

I knew he would, I just don't know if I will be strong enough to explain it. I must try, no more secrets.

"Well, about a year ago, I lost the person that mattered the most to me in this world. My big brother Daniel died in a motorbike accident. I was devastated when I saw him lying there in the middle of the road smashed to smithereens," I said shakily as tears streamed down my face.

Matthew just sat there patiently not interrupting just letting me speak as he lightly tried to wipe my tears away with his fingertips.

"We were really close, closer than you can imagine. He was more than just my big brother, he was my best friend. We did everything together and went everywhere together. We had no secrets we spoke about everything. He always.........looked....out.... for me," I stuttered.

"A part of me died when he did, and that left a hole in my heart. My life was turned upside down, and I have been struggling with it ever since. I try not to think about it because it hurts too much...." I stopped, I couldn't speak anymore the tears were coming out of my eyes in floods, soaking Matthew's blue t-shirt. He pulled me close to his perfectly toned chest, cradling me in his arms. I could tell that he was hurting too just from the way that he was breathing. He didn't speak he just held me, the silence was like a lullaby. I was finally able to let myself go and let it all out into the open. I let all the pain that had once almost swallowed me whole rip out of me, I had trapped it inside for so long. It felt both good and bad to relive this. I was never going to get over it, but maybe I could learn to live with it. Remember Daniel as he was and not try to pretend like he doesn't exist. After a looooooooooot of crying, my eyes dried up. I was all cried out. Matthew took me away from his chest and looked deep into my eyes. It was like he had healed the hole in my heart as he stared into the window that was my soul.

"Better?" he whispered.

"Yeah, I have been trying to ignore all my feelings for so long now, I have never quite been able to let myself go properly after what happened. I thought that if I locked them away in a little box in my mind and tried to forget them then that would be the best thing. I was wrong, letting it all out has made me feel so much better. I know I will never get over what happened, but I may be able to learn to live with it. I will always miss him, but I will treasure his memory instead of trying to hide from it," I sighed, what I was about to say next I hadn't told anyone. Partly because I am ashamed of what I tried to do and partly because I don't regret it. When he died, it seemed like my only option and I was ready to leave this world. Something saved me that night, and I know deep down it wasn't my parents. I know I jumped, I took the plunge to my death and yet I found myself on the edge of London bridge once again. I may never fully understand what happened, but what or whoever saved me I owe them my life quite literally.