without you.

Week 4

I love you. Alexandra Lynn fowler I love you. I love you more now than ever I can't take it baby. I love you so much and I want to hold you again. No one knows I'm writing these to you baby and I like it that way. I'm not sure why they're all accusing me of losing myself in this but I'm fine. I just miss you that's all. I miss you and love you so much baby. Don't forget about me. I love you. I love you so so much. I just want you to be with me but I understand that's too much to ask for at this point. It won't stop me from thinking about you though, sometimes I see you walking around my house and sometimes you're cooking or sleeping or attempting to do yoga with the dog. But. Then you're gone. Then everything goes Back to blank emptiness. That's all you left for me, blankness that can't be filled. I have a hole in my heart when you're gone and I don't know how to fill it. I can't fill it. Or maybe I won't. I don't even know. I don't want anyone else but you I promised I would never love anyone more than I love you and I'm sticking to that. Anthony keeps telling me to let you go but how am I supposed to do that? You're still with me baby I can feel it. I know it's real. I need you. More than I need anything in this world I need you. I love you and I want to be with you. For the rest of my life baby I want to be with you. Til death wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to grow old together, have kids together, sit on little rocking chairs watching our grandkids baby I know I said it was cliche and bullshit but I have wanted that for as long as I've known you. You've had me since you met me and I might have been stubborn and not want to tell you but I would have done anything for you. I will still do anything for you. I love you. Beyond anything I will ever have the capability of explaining. I love you more than you can imagine. You're beautiful and smart and charming and sweet and everything a guy could ever want. In my mind you stay that girl in shorts and my hoodie, her hair in a messy tangle without her make up or anything. Yes baby you look beautiful with make up on, but without. I don't think I have seen anything more breathtaking. The way your cheeks burned red when you wake up next to me and I try to kiss you as you dash into the bathroom. You are so damn cute. I never understood why you were embarrassed of your morning breath. Either way I can only love you more for that. This is cliche baby I know. To write letters, but what do you want me to do? I can't just talk to you. You remember when you were in college and I sent letters cause long distance calling was too expensive? Well that's kind of like what I'm doing now. Except you're not writing back. You're too far away to call, so I will write to you. Let you know how much I love you. And how I wanted to propose to you, the day you left my house. But I was going to wait until you got back from your moms. I was going to take you to the cliff we went to when we were young and in high school, and you told me not to be a baby and just jump. Right before you did. I jumped after you, I don't remember if it was to prove a point or to stay close to you, but after that day I was obsessed. I wouldn't show it but I would see you walking down the halls. And talking to your friends. Your locker. I knew you're first 3 classes. I was star struck for you. I couldn't help it. My sophomore year when you finally gave me a chance I could barely speak I was so ecstatic. Our first date. God I remember it as if it were yesterday. Baby I made you think I barely cared about you back then, I know that. And I'm sorry. My friends had done that with their girlfriends and I wanted to seem like them. And when you broke up with me, it hurt like hell I know you didn't meant to. But baby that was the worst feeling I had ever felt up until now. I want to tell you because I know you thought I didn't care back then, and I know you know I do now but I just need to tell you that I always did. You were always a priority. Even when I was "ignoring" your texts I was staring at my phone watching the minutes go by, not wanting to seem desperate but not wanting to upset you with taking too long. I guess I never figured that out. I haven't texted my brother back in days. Baby I don't know what to do. Everyday. I go to work come home. Stare through the house for a while and then go to bed. Where I might just see you in my dreams. Borderline depressed and Anita if as my brother says, but that's only because I can't bring myself to cooking where I've seen you stand so many times. I go to fast food places and liquor stores to buy food but it's mostly snacks or . Fast food. Sometimes I'll go to an actual restaurant with my brother or something like that, but not often. I'm not sure what I'm doing at this point. I love you. I hope you're happy wherever you are.
                         Love forever, Blake.