Adopted by El and Louis

Trying to work things out

I have been home for three days now I have been kind of avoiding everyone, I just tell them I am tired or in pain so they don’t really expect me to engage in conversation or eat. I feel really confused I keep thinking about what Uncle Liam said to me the other day, but everything he tells me my voices seem to have something to turn the good things around and make them bad. Mum and Dad have been laying with me keeping me company I haven’t told them what is going through my head in reality it is because I am so confused, I really want the voices to stop but then again maybe they are the only things that are telling the truth. I have had the same dream since I have been home again this just leaves me more and more confused and hurt the dream feels so real it crushes me knowing the man I held and still sort of do hold in high regard who you love more than anything says the things constantly each time it feels like my heart is been ripped out and with Louis and El even though it doesn’t sound like them the mere fact the words come from their mouths what If it is what they really feel but don’t say. I feel more and more tired and I’m scared to sleep. I think everyone is starting to realize that maybe I am lying yet none of them ask, this confirms the voices that they don’t really care about me. its currently 2:45 in the morning once again I wake up from the dream I lay there staring at the door wishing that maybe someone will come in and talk to me help me talk about what is going on at this moment I don’t care who it is I just want someone. I want to feel safe again I don’t want to be plagued constantly by the past. I see uncle Zayn standing by the door

“Baby Gee what are you doing awake.” He ask me walking slowly over to me I just watch him not saying anything if anyone can make things make more sense it is uncle Zayn. He lays down next to me silently just holding my hand for a while the tears continue to roll down my face. I feel the bed move from the corner of my eye I see he is looking at me

“What’s going on baby gee and don’t lie to me” he says I let out another whimper I want to explain but I can’t work out how to say it. Then I realize I have drawn something that can show him what I mean, I don’t think anyone else will really understand the concept of my drawing but he just might.

“Can I maybe show you something? I.. I can’t work out how to say it” I ask him I don’t look at him when I talk to him I slowly get of the bed and get my drawing book from the cupboard where I hide it and walk back to the bed, I sit next to him and carefully flick through to the picture I drew today trying to explain my thoughts and the voices I look at it for a second, I have drawn a brain surrounded by a heart then on one half of the rest of the page is colors, words, pictures everything that makes me feel happy and loved but on the other side everything from the past, the unknown voices words pictures symbols they are all done in black, With only two words in red saying the voices. I hand it over to him and watch for his reaction at first he looks confused, the followed by a little smile then again he looks well I can’t quiet explain his face looks sad angry and scared at the same time he is quiet for about 10 minutes just looking at everything. He finally puts the book down and runs his hand through his hair before pulling me into a massive hug. It is still quiet he moves me back to the bed but so I am facing him and grabs my hands.

“thankyou for showing me that baby gee, I want to make sure I understand what is going on, you are conflicted, every time something good happens or comes into your brain that makes you feel any sort of love or happiness something takes it over, you are reminder of the bad and I think this is caused by voices in your head yes?” Zayn says I think about what he has said and that is exactly what I am thinking I nod a little looking down but I need to ask for help I need answers.

“I had a dream when I got home and had a nap and I keep having it, it is scary” I tell him I wait a second and tell him the reoccurring dream that I have.

“ok Kid let’s take this a step at a time  first with the bad voices, We all have that voice some stronger than others a lot of us can control the voices but not all the time or have no control,  when the voices get the better of me I look in the mirror and say five things that are good in my life  this seems to stop the bad voice for a while it may not be the permanent answer but you can control the voices make them stop, if you can’t scream really loud and me or your uncle or parents or aunts will be here and help you find the 5 good things. I know that everything in your life before was absolutely crap, and I know you are making better memories with all of us yet the bad memories are making that even harder like before to quench them thing impossibly hard about the new memories most of us are lucky because we have the ability to forget some of the bad ones but you are gifted and in this sense it kind of sucks. It’s not going to be an easy thing kid you need to know that.