Shutter [Jonathan Byers] Stranger Things I

LV: Bereave

be·reave

verb

be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, especially due to the loved one's death.

Although it was gone, Jonathan could hear the monsters screams bounding in his skull. Smash, smash, smash, against all sides. That's when he realized that it was just the throb of blood rushing through his veins, pulsing behind his eyes like a rage. The adrenaline was pumping through him like he was hooked up to an IV; he had heard the screams of the monster, but he had not heard Emilia's screams when she was taken away. Taken to the Upside Down. The fire and the pull of the monster had not gotten Emilia to shriek in terror; she was braver than the rest of them, stifling that fear because she knew that it would do her no good to cry out. Soon the screams went from surreal -in his own mind- to real; he realized that they were his own.

"Emilia!" His voice bounced off of the walls. The walls that were being licked by the flame; suddenly he didn't care about the well being of his house. He'd lost his brother, now his girlfriend. Jonathan was only inches away from the flame, it reached out, beckoning him forward, wanting to take him down. Fire had no thought, not really, but it consumed everything in its path, and would leave one simple thing untouched, as though it wasn't worth fires time to burn it. It taunted Jonathan, making his skin hot and tight upon his face. As it burned up the house, the wallpaper curling and charring, it did not burn anything else in its path. "Emilia! NO!"

Unwilling to let Jonathan's house burn down, Nancy reached for the fire extinguisher that they had on hand for this very reason. She was still slightly in shock that Emilia was gone, just like that-she'd gotten too close to the monster and it took her in a last attempt to make their lives hell. It succeeded, because it left them all in shock, terrified for their friend, fear pulsing through them. Those emotions were only succeeded by bereavement for their friend.

By the time Nancy had extinguished the fire, Jonathan was still screaming for Emilia; but she was gone. Terror was revealed upon all three of their faces as they realized the mistake that had been made. They wanted to distract the monster so that Joyce and Hopper could safely locate Will and get him back, but instead they had given the monster another meal to feast upon. In the few seconds that the creature had been up in flames, they had miscalculated the fact that it could go between reality and the Upside Down, and that it was notorious for taking people with it. Emilia had gotten too close to the flames, like Icarus. Now she was gone.

"Emilia!" Jonathan screamed through choked sobs. If there was one thing he couldn't handle, it was losing Emilia too. He slammed his fists against the blackened wall, trying to find another entrance. Removing the knife from his pocket, he unfolded it and placed it against his good palm. That's when Nancy grabbed his hand and stopped from hurting himself in order to bring the monster back. It wasn't going to come back, and they all knew it. Someone just had to say it.

"Jonathan, don't," Nancy whispered, her grip upon his wrist firm as though she was a mother scolding her child.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" He whimpered, staring at his palms but not really looking at them. His mind was elsewhere.

"I don't... I don't know... Won't Hopper find her?" Nancy asked, her hope pouring through in her voice, but there was evidence that she didn't believe it.

"What if it killed her? What if she's dead already?" Jonathan's mind jumped to the worst on conclusions. As painful as it was, if he thought the worst, then it would maybe be less painful when it was confirmed. Even if she was still alive in there, how were they supposed to tell Hopper to find her? If Hopper and Joyce were even in the Upside Down, how big was it? How could they locate Will and Emilia -if they weren't looking for Emilia, they would never find her.

"I don't think it works like that..." Nancy just had a feeling. She spotted the tears dripping from Jonathan's eyes, and she looked away. "If anyone is going to make it in there, it's Emilia."

"Just stop," Jonathan clenched his hands into fists, then hit the wall. The charred wallpaper crumbled at his touch, smearing charcoal upon his fists, leaving them blackened. He hit it again and Steve flinched; from previous experience, he knew just how hard Jonathan was hitting. The kid was going to end up breaking his knuckles if he kept it up. Just as Steve was about to try and withhold Jonathan, he watched Nancy put her hand upon his shoulder, and Jonathan slouched as though she'd found the off switch.

"She knows they are in there," Nancy's voice was almost a whisper. "She'll look for them, she'll look for Will."

"El," Jonathan said, spinning on his heel to look at Steve and Nancy. "The girl, she can find Emilia, right?"

"She has to charge..." Nancy recalled her brother saying that El would use her powers, and she'd be drained for some time. The nose bleed, it had been caused by the usage of her powers. Limited by her strength, El could not go back into the Upside Down. "I don't think she can help Emilia."

Jonathan said something so quietly that Steve and Nancy barely heard it, his voice so shattered and tiny, it revealed that Jonathan had officially broken. "I can't lose her..."

In some twisted way, Steve understood what Jonathan was saying. A wave of guilt crashed over him, and he had to place his hand on the wall to steady himself. Quickly, he recovered, but not before thinking about the things he had said about Emilia. Things that were unwarranted, things that had no weight except to Emilia. He'd been cruel to her for no reason except that he was mad and had to take it out on someone else. Watching Jonathan break after losing her, it reminded Steve of how he felt after the fight. How badly he wished he hadn't said those things to Nancy. Even before he understood what she was doing with his monster business, he wanted to apologize for being an idiot, for being wrong and not letting her explain herself. Steve reached over and grabbed Nancy's hand, as if to apologize without getting all sentimental in front of a rival male. And also not to boast that his girlfriend was still here -if she was still his girlfriend. All that could be sorted out in another time, another day.

Nancy squeezed back, then released his hand and no answers came to him.

Suddenly Jonathan pushed passed Nancy and Steve, heading down the hallway and through the living room. He just couldn't stand there and wait for someone to help Emilia; it was his job to bring her back, to protect her. He knew Nancy was right; if anyone was going to survive in there, it was going to be her, but that didn't mean he would just wait for everything to smooth out. Because the world didn't work that way, things didn't simply smooth out and fix themselves. Why else were they setting traps inside his house? He yanked open the door and left it wide, uncaring, and stormed out into the brisk air. It hit him like a punch, but felt like a feather compared to how it felt watching Emilia be taken.

Nancy ran after him, and by the time she got out to the lawn, she noticed that he was still there. Only he was no longer standing, he had dropped to his knees and his hands were in the dirt. It was always shocking to see how different people responded to grief, how people were unable to cope when they realized they could do nothing to change the dire situations that they were in. Nothing had made Jonathan feel this way before. Losing Will was a slow moving thing to process, it hurt but it didn't seem so brutal. His father walking out on them, that hadn't even been a surprise, and left him only bitter. But watching Emilia get taken as though she was the last punch the monster was going to throw, that had ripped something within him. And being able to do nothing but sit there, that's what was eating away at him.

"Even if Hopper doesn't find her, when we see him again, we'll tell him," Nancy had figured this out in her mind, "You know as well as I do that he'd go back in there for her. He loves her like his daughter."

Jonathan looked up, staring out at the black forest where Will was first taken from them. He knew Nancy was right, but that didn't mean Emilia was going to survive. His eyes dark, focused on the blackness, he said, "I love her, Nancy, and I couldn't keep her safe."

He dropped the L word. Ew.

Question of the day, have you ever told someone you loved them? Not family, obviously.