False Start (Boyxboy)

34: STAR-CROSSED

It was weird to be back in my room.   Everything was the same as I'd left it--all the pictures and piles--but I'd changed. So many "firsts" had happened within one night that my own life was unrecognizable.   I just stood in silence for a solid minute, looking around at all the familiar stuff, allowing the disparity to sink in.

With a flush to my face I stripped down to Kei's baggy boxers, but I couldn't remove the sensation of his body overtop mine. The evidence lingered all over me, heightening my sensitivity.  His scent still clung to my skin. My lips still felt plush from our kisses.  I'd never been so full of warmth before.

Normally I'd dive into bed with a video game after coming home, but there was no way that I could sleep yet; I wanted to wade in the reverie for a while.  So instead I took my time tugging an undershirt over my head, wandering over to my bedside table and clicking on the lamp.  The stack of manga Keiji lent me were there, illuminated by the dim light.  Softening my gaze, I slid out the fourth volume of "No. 6" and thumbed through to the page with the kiss scene.  Though I hadn't noticed it before, shadowed at that angle I could see now where the corner had been dog-eared in the past.

I've been so blind.

Had he had a crush on me all along?  Was he even the romantic type? There were so many things I wanted to know, and without his presence beside me, doubt was creeping into my thoughts. We'd skipped some steps and left ourselves in limbo.  From here we could either ask each other out or carry on as the best friends we'd always been.  What would it be like the next time I saw him?  I wasn't sure I was ready to make a big change.  Wasn't sure about anything.

It'd be so much easier if we weren't both boys.

My emotions were at war. Heaving a sigh, I shut the manga and paced over to my desk. After plopping down in the seat, I woke up the computer monitor and cleared the text in the search bar, my fingers hovering over the keyboard for a moment before pecking out a question.

               AM I GAY?

As the results loaded I grimaced at myself, embarrassed by either the bluntness or the fact that I'd waited so long to ask these things outright.  An overwhelming amount of articles and quizzes popped up, all seeming like copies of each other, none of which spiked my curiosity.  Maybe I was just avoiding an answer that I was afraid of.  Soon I migrated over to the videos tab, scrolling guardedly past a couple dozen.  It was on the third page that I finally saw one worth trying.  The thumbnail was of two guys kissing.  Rather than listen to some prepubescent dude ramble about his experiences, I decided to see if the sight of lip action would trigger me the way Mori forcing himself onto Niou had.

Dumb idea.

Porn started playing within the first few seconds, moans erupting at a loud volume from the speakers.  I clambered to mute it and then was stunned into stillness by the image on the screen.  I mean, I guess I knew how two guys did it, but I just never thought about myself doing it that way. 

How could that feel good?  How could that not....

"Ugh!"

Heart racing, I backed up to my original search.

Wow.  That's a lot.

Had Keiji gotten to the point where he was comfortable with the idea of... that?  Did he watch that stuff?  I put my hands on top of my head like I'd just finished sprinting.  Though I didn't want to leap ahead to those thoughts, my mind was going there.