False Start (Boyxboy)

6: FLUX & FRAY

"Congratulations, Kei."

We were trudging home after practice, hugging our jackets closer against our wet bodies as though that would keep us warm.  At each awning we took a moment to hide from the pelting rain.

"Thanks, Kazu."  His words were lacking verve, but it was probably because he was exhausted.  "I was just thrown right in. It's all been happening so fast."

We stopped to perch against the window of a bakery, blinking the rain that came sideways out of our bloodshot eyes. I turned to face my friend.

"Yeah, it has. You're just a really good athlete."

He faced me then, too, and I could feel the compassion emanating from his heart. That warm kindness burned.

"So are you! I never knew that long-distance running was this hard."

It took a lot of restraint not to reply with a self-degrading comment. I almost opted to say, "I want to get better," but decided to just take the compliment instead. At this point, my festering feelings of jealousy felt too personal to expose. It wouldn't be right to take away from his shining moment, either.

"Yeah, it's tough. I guess that's why it's so rewarding when you cross the finish line."

Keiji hummed in agreement.

A semi-comfortable silence fell upon us as we returned our gazes to the grey, waterlogged scene before us. It was one of the many moments that made me wish I could read my friend's mind. Was he feeling tired, being humble, or was something negative causing him to be more reserved than usual?

Peeking at him in my peripheral vision, I was reminded of how imperfectly perfect I thought he was. From the profile of his face, the face which his coarse, wet hair clung to, you could see that his upper lip stuck out a little further than his lower one, and there was a blemish by his chin, but it wasn't distracting or gross. He always had dark bags below his eyes and when he smiled it was asymmetrical, partially due to the cleft, with one canine somewhat of a snaggle-tooth. He really was self-conscious of that smile, but I loved it, and wasn't alone. Even the sweaty smell he gave off was oddly alluring, more sweet than pungent.

"Hey, Kazu," he murmured, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed, "do you want to come over and watch a movie?"

"Uhm...."

I was at a loss for words. I longed to be closer to my friend, to spend more time together with him, and nothing sounded better than watching movies on his couch on a rainy day like this. It's just that I was feeling so down on myself that I didn't want to be around his light right then. There's no way I could have acted normal, either. He would have sensed that something was wrong. Maybe he did either way.

"I've got to pack for camp and do a lot of homework. I want to, but it's not the best night."

"All right. If you change your mind, my offer stands."

He gave me a closed-mouth smile, and I was afraid that I'd hurt him a little. Immediately after, I was kicking myself internally, wishing I could bring myself to softly sock him on the arm and take back what I'd said.

The only sound shared between us on the rest of our walk home was the squelching of our shoes. We parted ways near the playground and once I was out of his sight I sat on the curb, allowing the cold rain to weigh me down like my feelings, wallowing in my self-pity.

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As I was walking into school the next day, lugging my overnight bag with me, I noticed Mori at his locker and paused to tell him good morning.   He was cramming books into the backpack that he'd balanced on his knee and hardly glanced away, mumbling a curt "morning" back at me.

It seemed like he wanted to be left alone, so I started to walk away, but an aggressive nudge on my arm sent me staggering heavily into him. Hiro had shouldered me on his way down the hall.

Mori dropped his backpack and tucked some hair behind his ear, throwing his arms out to his sides. "Oi! Hiro!"

The red-head looked over his shoulder at us, jaw tight with anger, and spat out "faggot" before continuing on his way.

We were appalled.

"Dammit," Mori hissed, stuffing his hands deep into the pockets of his school uniform. He seemed embarrassed.

I was embarrassed, too. It reminded me that I was standing next to a guy who I'd been turned on by watching, and reminded me how incredibly red I'd gotten in front of everyone.

After a second I managed to fumble for some words. "I knew he was a hot-head, but I never thought he'd turn on his teammates. He always seemed kind of like the glue that held us together."

Mori took a long breath and leaned back into his locker. "Varsity was all he had."

I'd started to wring my fingers on the straps of my duffle bag, nervous. "What do you mean?"

"He's not making good grades and was riding on the hope that he'd get recruited into a college."

"Oh." My voice became deeper. "I can't believe I didn't know that."

"Yeah, well, I overheard him having a conference with one of his teachers about it on a day when I got to school early. The building was practically empty so their words were echoing in the halls."

For some reason, I felt guilty. "I wish that we could help somehow."

"I know. But for now we have to get through camp."

We continued to make small-talk as we headed to the art room to drop off our bags. Even though the problem wasn't my own, it only added to the heaviness on my back.

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Our school's lunch hour was divided into three chunks, and different classes ate at different times. In junior high, Keiji and I had had the same time all three years and met up every day. Now that we didn't, we just ate with whoever was in our lunch period. And I'd forgotten that he'd told me that Toyomi was in his.

The team was meeting up to leave for the mountains when they came trotting into the bus loop together, talking enthusiastically about some show that they were both watching as they finished sharing a bag of chips. I'd been chatting with a few of the teammates, reminiscing about past experiences at running camp, but became totally distracted the second they appeared together. Not only did I become distracted, but I started to seethe over what felt like an intrusion on our friendship. That was my best friend. I knew it was ridiculous to feel possessive, but I did nonetheless. Any pangs of sadness that were leftover from my walk home with Keiji the night before were quickly converted back to bitterness.

He sat beside me on the bus, but it was a charter bus with T.V.s and we ended up watching a cartoon the whole ride there without saying much. There was a lot of tension between everyone. One guy got carsick and hogged the bathroom, causing the rest of us to suffer. Shun had to stay behind because he couldn't get out of work, so no one really stood up for Niou when Hiro picked on him for bringing a stuffed animal. Shun and Hiro--who was still surly and not behaving like his hyper self--were usually the ones creating a lively atmosphere and the team dynamic was unbalanced without their charisma. In comparison to our bus ride on Wednesday, it was a melancholy road trip.

I hoped with all my might that it wasn't a representation of how the rest of the weekend's mood would be. Camp was supposed to be a place where magical adventures happened. As we pulled into the trail that led to our destination, veiled by a canopy of trees, I promised myself that I wouldn't leave without an unforgettable memory.