And Then I Found You

Self Control

"I'm sorry...."

His apology fell on death ears as he held his wife's warm hand as she slept peacefully on her hospital bed. Three weeks. Three weeks it had been now and Johnny had to admit he was tired. Tired of being pushed away by his wife whenever she was awake, tired of staring at her all night every night as she slept unconsciously on the bed, tired of trying so hard to help her only to have her throw a fit and cry whenever he reached out to her. These last three weeks had been painful ones. The only positive throughout this was that she was now recovering from her operation. Helena was beginning to get her strength back but the stronger she had gotten each day the harder she would try to push him out.

He understood that she was under so many different drugs. Her doctor had warned him how the side effect would make her become hysterical. He knew she nearly lost her life because of his stupid behaviour and for that reason alone he could only wish he was the one lying on the hospital bed instead of her. He just wished he could go back in time, change his stupid idea of going on break. This was what he had tried to tell her this whole time. It's why he showed up at her door, he didn't want to break from their relationship. It was a heat of the moment thing and for that he regretted ever considering that thought. This was Hellie...

Canceling work for this period of time had been easier then he thought. The whole world knew of Helena's condition and for that he was grateful to all the support they were getting. People had visited her throughout the weeks in the hospital including both Tim and Diana. Many fans had shared their support by dropping off flowers at the Hospital reception point, Leaving lovely letters and presents for her to show their support. 

Looking at her sleeping now Johnny could only hold back his own tears as he saw her looking so peaceful now. Every-time she would wake up she would be feeling either depressed or angry. The strong dosage of drugs she was on was making her actions dangerous. She had worked herself up a couple of times and had even swung for him when she could. She had screamed and cried and screamed some more and cried even louder. She was in such a state at the moment, such a mess and for that it was hard for him to see, even bare.

Dr Fields had been at her beck and call. Had checked on her three times a day and not only that but had witnessed how she continued to react to her husband whenever she would wake up. They had cut down on some of the drugs they were giving her and for that Johnny was relieved that she was beginning to act a little less crazy. She had calmed down very quickly this last week and had began to just relax whenever she felt sad or worked up by his presence. He knew him being there was upsetting her but he couldn't find it in himself to leave her, not after what happened the first time leaving her.

Johnny had been by her side 24/7. Had held her when she cried, had allowed her to hit and attack him while screaming at him with her sharp tongue. He let her because he knew he deserved it. Helena wasn't to blame here for any of this, he was and he knew that. He hated it but he knew this was all on him. He should have never got so over protective, so over jealous. He was ruining them before he could ever really see it. It took something so dangerous as this to happen to his wife for him to realise what his actions had done. He hated himself and that's why he allowed her to kick and scream at him whenever she needed to realise her bottled up anger.

Gently lifting her hand to his lips Johnny kissed her knuckles softly. Helena had been out for over an hour now due to the fact she was now not sleeping at night. Dr Fields settled for drugging her to sleep which seemed to work better for her now. She needed to rest if she was ever going to let her heart heel...

"I'm so sorry baby" Johnny whispered against her knuckles as his shoulders began to shake while the tears welled in his sad eyes. 

"This is all my fault, I was an idiot, a stupid fool to ever leave you like that....I wish you knew just how much I regret walking out the way I did, I should have realised just how precious your poor heart is Helena" he confessed sobbing as he looked at her sleeping peacefully on the hospital bed his hand clinging to hers as he knew if she were awake right now she would have pulled away and tired throwing him out again.