gone man » alex standall

•forty•

~

  
   I kick my legs over the piece of concrete, legs hanging over the river. My hands curl over the shiny metal railing over the bridge, reflecting my face back at me.

   Cars pass behind me, but I'm focused on the water moving under me.
   I lean my head against the cold metal, a hand on each side of me. My face in the reflection shines at me. Forehead pressed against the metal, I kick my legs back and forth.

   The sun is starting to set, I've been out here for a while. A light orange fades into the blue sky, it's beautiful.
   My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I bring my head up to check it.

Tony- where did you go? Did you go home?

   My fingers type quickly, hesitating to send it.

Alex- no, I left

Tony- you alright?

   Stop asking me this. It's so hard to answer. Like I'd said before, you don't know whether to lie or tell the truth, risking breaking down in public.

Alex- i guess. I don't really want to talk right now.

{Tony is typing...}

   I set my phone down next to me, waiting for a response.

{Tony is now offline}

   Oh. Okay I guess.

   I close my eyes, leaning against the cold metal once again.
   It's going to be a long night.

--

   Setting my bike down onto the sidewalk, I step over to the door of my house and peek inside the little window.
   All lights are off except for the living room light. Either my mom went to bed, or she's in there watching tv.

   My hands reach under a certain rock by our door, which has a spare key under it.
   I twist it open easily and push open the door.

   I lean against my cold window, looking out on the town. My platinum hair mats in front of my forehead, but I brush it away.

God, why am I doing this to myself?

   I'm tearing myself up, believing it's my fault that Matt died when people tell me so. It was my fault.