Depressing shit about life

The Past

Okay, this will get depressing and possible trigger warning yaknow.
   I was cool, I had a lot of friends, people at school genuinely liked me.
            I was also hiding.
I'm gay, unsure about my gender, and weird.
I had two amazing, beautiful, close, reliable, funny, relatable friends.
        I can't speak, see, or contact them until I'm 18.
I miss them
They miss me
I want them back.
Trust me, my parents don't hate me, I know they love me, but sometimes no one knows you as well as you know yourself. This wouldn't be me, I would be better if I still had them, but it's okay, it led me here. I want to be an author, I want to change someone's life with a phrase, I want kids to read my books and feel better.
I wish I had the courage to tell my parents that it hurts, that it wouldn't if I still had them.
I don't want to move some days, maybe if I still had them I would want to.
We had so many good memories together, kaylie and I walked to a river and spent the whole day finding broken glass and looking for something valuable, I still have a piece of the glass that we found.
Diela and I went to big splash, and he stayed the night almost every night, we would sit in the hot tub and scream at the neighbors, we would watch music videos on the tv and make rice for dinner. We would lay in his too cold room and take naps. All three of us would always be at each other's house.
Then kaylies grandma died.
My family was going to adopt her, she was basically already my sister.
But dielas did instead.
Then I got a boyfriend.
Then I realized I was in love with diela.

Then one night, diela was sleeping over, we were supposed to go to big splash with his family in the morning.
I told him my dad would check on us in a minute.
I told him "I'm not allowed to have the computer in my room"
My dad came in, and took the computer, and saw the fanfiction tabs. He read them.
Diela was sent home and my dad said "maybe we should take a break from her and kaylie for a while" and I said "No"
I went a couple weeks without seeing them, it was hell, I cut myself a lot, I screamed at my parents a lot, I cried a whOle lot. But I still had my phone, I still talked to them on instagram sometimes, but then there was tatinof. I was hyped, I was excited, everything else was pushed to the back of my mind as I thought about dan and Phil. The night before we would drive there, my phone broke. I have no idea how, but I woke up, and it wouldn't turn on.
I still had fun though, it was amazing, I needed it at that point in life.
I went the rest of the summer with barely any friends, the only person my parents would let me hang out with was Garryn, he was cool, he's really a good friend, but after a while I got angry.
They sent me to Colorado for almost a month.
I stayed with my best friend Cait and never got to be alone longer than five minutes.
They gave me a flip phone, I called kaylie.
Number blocked.
I called Diela
Number blocked.
Everyone was blocked.
I was still alone.