Love and All It Does

11

We sat by each other, admiring the ambitious sound of the crashing waves and allowing silence to envelope us for a while. Watching the sea made me feel at ease and indescribably delighted.  It made me want to just swim and be embraced by the waters. I never imagined being able to share this view and feeling with Harry again.

He was looking straight ahead, hugging his knees to his chest loosely. He breaks the silence and says with a deep sigh. "Here's the thing, Anika," He begins and my heart pounds nervously with him calling me by my name and with the atmosphere between us suddenly shifting. "I feel like we both know each other more than I think, and I feel like I could tell you anything." He purses his lips then faces me. "So, that's what I'm going to do right now."

I don't say anything. I'm not sure what he means and where this conversation is headed. Wherever may it be, I don't feel exactly comfortable with it.

"There's something going on in me and I can't understand it. I mean, I don't want to understand it." He darts his face away and breaths out heavily. "I haven't openly talked to anyone about this, not even my friends, but..." It took him a while to continue speaking, and when he did he says, "I had this crappy amnesia and—"

My heart almost stopped beating. No, we're not talking about this. Not right now.

"You don't have to tell me anything." I say, looking away. Fear is pervading my senses. I couldn't think straight. My palms began to sweat and my whole body felt tense. "We don't have to get personal, Harry."

He disregards this. "I kept getting fragments of my past again. It was after that day in the field when you said something about your friend teaching you soccer. It was the first time I had those flashbacks in years, and the weird thing is, you're there." His expression dulled and I suddenly couldn't read him. "You're there, Anika. I keep getting these flashbacks with you in it."

My stomach turned ice and I feel the lump in my throat. "I am not having this conversation with you, Harry." I say in between attempts of fighting back my tears. I stood up and began walking away. I allow the tears to fall as I shake my head. I can't believe this is happening.

But then a hand tightens on my wrist and turns me around. My eyes met Harry's and there's no way I could invalidate his speculations when my tears are gushing out like an unbroken stream. His forehead puckered and then he shuts his eyes. "Did you know?"

I couldn't answer and he asks it again, this time unhurriedly and more suspicious. "Did you know about my amnesia?"

I pressed my eyes tight and allow my head to fall down. He tightens his grip on my wrist and his eyes bored into me. "I asked you a question, Anika."

"Yes." I say hurriedly. "Yes, I knew."

He drops my wrist. "You knew." He echoes. He was looking at me in disbelief. "How come—" He swallows, "How come you never said anything?"

I couldn't look at him. "What would I say?"

"You...you were part of my life." His eyes welled up and I can't help but cry myself. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Fuck, Anika."

"I'm sorry. I'm—I should have said something. I could have reached out to you..."

"Fuck." He muttered, looking up to the sky. "At first I didn't want to think you were because the last thing that I want is to be a stranger to someone I shouldn't be."

"It's not your fault." I say because I can already hear the anxiousness and vulnerability in his voice. He's lost himself again and he didn't want to accept it. I feel so sorry to see him this hurt and confused. This is my fault. I put that hurt in him. His mother had warned me about it, but I didn't listen.