Shot Through The Heart

Help Me

It's an empty feeling. I don't feel anything. I don't feel happy, or sad, or angry. Wait, I get angry all the time. But it melts away. And turns me even more numb. I just don't care. I don't care about life anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. It's worthless to try. 

Whenever I put in effort to pull my life back together it falls and shatters and reverts back to the way it was. And it's a never ending cycle. And it won't stop. 

I cry, and beg, and plead for hope. For an answer. For an absolution. And everyone tells me the only way through this is with God. I need him now. And he won't show. I guess, him putting  me through these emotional struggles is his way of helping me.

Maybe this is what I deserve. For being so rebellious. For being so petty. For having these thoughts and embracing who I am as a person. I deserve all I get. But why? I'm my own person. I'll get judged by who I like, what gets me off, what helps me to sleep at night, how I think, how I look, how I carry myself. And I'll get judged by the one himself. My own creator. And that's what hurts the most. 

I don't have a bad life. I'm "pretty", I have "friends", and "decent grades", my laugh is always heard. It's an epidemic. I'm always there to lighten the mood. I'm "bright". I'm "intelligent". Contractionally, I don't get to have problems. Or be insecure, and depressed.

And I have these thoughts, these thoughts that make me scared of my own mind. It makes me scared of what I can do. It makes me wonder what I can achieve. I think about hurting myself every single day. I think about suicide more often. It's kind of an everyday thing now. And the sad thing is. No one cares. I've said so many times how I've wanted to leave. No one bats an eye. Maybe it's because so many basic bitches out here fake having mental illnesses and shit for show because they think it's cute and they ruin it for all who are actually really struggling. I'm just done.I want to end it. I can't do it anymore. I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride. I've been thinking too much. Help me..