knock on wood | howlett

xx. there

my sweet lord ; george harrison

sunday

she picked at her fingernails absently and curled her toes in her socks.

there was a time when she sat in a very different office, in front of a very different desk.

headmaster was very angry with her. he was right to be, but she still wasn't about to fold her cards. she had manipulated someone's memory for the first time out of the classroom.

and it was a rather terrible memory...

she was sitting on a plush armchair with her body thrown about, her eyes rolled, and her attention somewhere else.

"beck?"

"hm, what?" she looked up. "sorry, i'm listening. now."

at this time, though, she was in a hard-backed chair and the charles xavier who sat in front of her was a professor, not a headmaster.

he furrowed his brow at her. xavier let out a sigh and set his hands on his desk. it was his fourth attempt to coax an answer from her.

"colossus said you knew you were dying. how?"

"i thought you of all people would understand it, xavier," she said softly. "you understand the weight of our responsibility. for the longest time, before the factory, i could alter other people's memories. now it's my memories being altered."

"by whom?"

she shrugged and looked out the window. beck seemed completely and utterly bored by the conversation.

"how'd that doctor figure it out?" she asked after a moment, still watching the outside world exist, unbothered by her circumstances.

"we took scans while you were out and i snooped around a bit in your fuddly little head. the blood sample just confirmed it." she looked at him.

"you have no right to stroll about in my consciousness, xavier."

"i meant no harm."

beck relaxed into her chair. she had limited life left and she wasn't going to waste it being angry for something she couldn't change.

her younger self had hissed and yelled at the headmaster. she blamed him for her social torment and for the lack of nurturing.

the headmaster was very calm until she claimed her teachers tortured the students. that was the only time she ever saw him angry.

"so what now?" she asked.

"we're going to explore alternative options and see if we can do anything to prolong your life." she waited a moment, thinking about what she wanted to say next.

"xavier, may i say something?"

"of course."

"i don't want to die in a bed or at the mercy of my own power. i need to do something worthwhile."

"you saved my kids." she caught a glimpse of the shine behind his old eyes. she could tell, without having to prowl his memories, that he truly loved them like his own.

"i was there to save logan; colossus saved them, not i. besides, letting the test subjects die undos saving the kids. i need to go out in the world one more time. i'd like to see the old school one more time and i want to pay tribute or something..."

"it's too dangerous."

"please, just think about it."

xavier glanced out his door at nothing in particular. "what about logan?"

"logan will be okay soon, i trust your people, but i can't have false hope that he'll wake up before i die," she said softly.

"i'll think about it," he said after a moment.

"thank you."

•••

she grew weaker and weaker. memories clashed with reality and they buzzed in her skull like angry hornets in a hive.

she had to stay in bed a lot so that she wouldn't collapse from the weight of shifting memories.

after two weeks, colossus rigged an elaborate mirror system so that she could watch the world from the comfort and safety of her bed.

"colossus?" she asked while he was leaving one day from their rendezvous.

"yes?"

"could you do two favors for me?"

"what are they?"

"first, go ask xavier how long the doctors think i have, then come back." he nodded and left. she rested her head and squeezed her eyes, yelling at the memories to be quiet for one day. just one day.

"beck?" colossus pulled her back. her eyes opened. he was ringing his metallic fingers.

"how long?"

"two weeks top."

"huh."

"what is it?" he asked worriedly.

"it's longer than i thought," the edge of her lips curled in a dry smile. "okay, second favor. colossus, i need you to listen closely, okay?"

"okay." she smiled at his innocent and genuine care.

"on my last week, i need you to come in here early in the morning, before anyone wakes up. i need you to carry me out to our truck, the one we took to the factory, remember?" he nodded. he seemed scared for the rest.

she continued:

"i need you to drive me to xavier's dad's old school. i'm going to need you to help me through the school and the field and i need you to lay me by a fence that i'll show you. i need you to leave me there to die. okay?"

he couldn't move for the life of him. then, all at once, he left her room and headed toward xavier's office. she got out of her bed. she snagged her IV bag and ran after colossus. her head throbbed and her chest pulsed in a frantic manner.

her free hand clutched colossus's arm and pulled him to face her. he looked at beck. she seemed so small, so flushed of her color, so sick. her eyes were wild.

"please, colossus. i need you to do this last favor for me." her vision went spotty and her knees filled with air. she fell toward the ground.

colossus caught her and her IV bag. he picked her up gently and carried her back to her bed. he laid her under her sheets and put a pair of fuzzy white socks on her feet. he laid an extra blanket on her when she began to stir.

"is that a yes?" she groggily asked.

"yes, it's a yes."