Loving You is Hard, Especially When I Hate You.

Meeting Someone New

CHAPTER 11

"Zayn! I'm heading over to Liam's see you I a bit!" I say grabbing my bag from the coffee table.

"hold on I need to talk with you." he said coming out of the kitchen.

I grumbled a bit before sitting down on the couch and looking over at Zayn. He had his serious face on, which meant this wasn't just a 'hey how are you' talk it's 'something your doing isn't something I like speech.' I've had many of these speeches since being best friends with Zayn. Whether it was deciding to eat tons of candy before going on a roller coaster to drinking at underage parties he was always there to give me a speech about it.

This was probably about Liam. It's been a week since the car incident. A week since I told him we needed to talk about it. A week since we forgot about it - or he forgot about it. And a week since we became good friends. We were close to eat friends but that position had been filled by Zayn and Eleanor. They both seemed to be the people I hung out with the most besides Liam. I told them things I don't tell others. The people I went to when I needed advice and the people that could read me better than anyone else. Liam came close though. He seemed to be the person I went to to cheer me up. The person that could make me laugh and tease me at the same time. We had grown close, really close. But for me it wasn't close enough. I wanted more. I wanted him to be the person I cuddled up with at night. The person that could make me feel amazing with just a few words. The person that would always be there for me no matter what. But I knew I couldn't have that with him because he wasn't interested in me like that. Why would he.

"what's up?" I say trying to keep my voice steady. The first thought that popped into my mind was, He wanted to know how Liam and I could go from hating each other to being friends in such a short time. He wanted to what happened to make us so close. But if he knew that the reason we had become so close was because of what happened in his car. Kissing wasn't bad.. But kissing your best friends other best friend would exactly make Zayn happy.

"I'm just concerned...With your eating habits." he said looking deeply into my mind. I swallowed hard biting my lip.

“what about them?”

“when was the last time you ate?”

I looked down staying silent. I felt horrible that Zayn had caught up to me but I needed to lie. I needed to lie so he wouldn't worry about me. Not with the Tour coming up. Or the BRITS. He didn't need to look after me.

“i had a sandwich about an hour and a half ago. No need to worry Zayn. I'm. Fine.” I lie. I hated Lying to Zayn. I hated the feeling of it on my tongue. The bitter after taste it left in my mouth. The fear of him finding out that I lied always coming up from the pit of my stomach. How it burned and bubbled slowly making it's way up. How my hands shook and I had to clench my clammy palms together just to make them stop. I looked into Zayn's eyes hoping he would believe me. Hoping he would just forget it and let me go. I know it's bad what i'm doing but I can't help it. I can't help looking in the mirror every day and seeing everything. I was disgusting, no one would like me the way I am. No one would want me. And so that's why I do what I do. To feel better about myself. That's why I go running every day and barely eat so that I can look in the mirror and be satisfied. Be satisfied that i'm trying. That one day.. I might look good. One day someone might want me.

But that also disgusted me. I hated thinking I needed someone. I hated thinking that if I had someone I would be okay. Because I don't need someone. I don't need to care about what others think. I don't need to feel like trash because nobody wants me. I don't need to... but I do. And I hate myself more for that. I hate feeling like I need someone. I hate feeling like I need someone to depend on.