B for Babies

4

Meredith ran her fingers across her belly, it was still too soon to tell that she was with child, but as she lay there in her bathtub, she pressed in near her belly button, wondering how she'd gone from having difficulty getting pregnant, to now being on her third pregnancy. She slipped in underneath the pool of warm water, and stared up at the ceiling, wondering how long she could hold her breath this time, how long it would take before she was gasping for air.

A knock on the bathroom door interrupted her experiment, she sat herself up quickly, not wanting to cause any alarm, since she was certain she hadn't locked the door. "Who is it?" She called out, knowing it could possibly be Zola. It wasn't Zola though, it was Maggie, and Meredith found herself feeling slightly disappointed as Maggie's voice came through the door. "Mere? I was just wondering if you needed anything from the grocery store, Amelia and I are heading out." She called through, pressing her face against the back of the door.

"No, I'm fine." Meredith shouted back. She looked down at herself in the tub, feeling dirty still. She didn't enjoy being around her sister, knowing the truth, knowing whose child she had growing inside of her. It was a burden she had to bear, one that she was going to take to her grave. She knew that she had no right to bring Alex into this, and she was still on the fence about that, tempted to tell him to get out of her house, and to never return. It was her own selfishness that was keeping her from doing that. She liked the way it felt when he was right there beside her, when he was giving his all just to keep her afloat. She enjoyed that feeling, it was comfortable. Alex was her comfort blanket, Alex was hers and she didn't like sharing him with Jo at all. Was she in love with him? Absolutely not. She just needed him in her life.

Maggie didn't say anything else, and Meredith was consumed by the silence once more. Her thoughts were loud enough to deafen her, her thoughts hurt more than the unnerving silence. She rested her head back against the porcelain tub, and closed her eyes tightly. She didn't want to be in this situation, she wanted to grab the kids and run away, but she couldn't do that to them, not again. She knew in her heart that she couldn't be like her mother, couldn't just run away from problems day after day. It was time for her to just exist through them and that thought alone scared her half to death.

Alex was sitting in the doctor's lounge, thinking about every piece of the puzzle that had led him to this moment. He couldn't help but replay the conversation he had with Jo, over and over like a punishment. He had loved her, he had loved her until it hurt him, and now they'd hurt each other more times than he could count across his fingers. He was sitting there, head bowed as the memories surged.

He had been standing in the door of their loft, Jo was sitting on their bed, wearing only one of his old t'shirts, and her underwear, a look that once would have made him smile, made him climb over her and kiss her until he couldn't feel his lips any longer, now he just stared at her like she was a ghost from his past. It had hurt, his chest, it seemed to do that a lot lately. She was watching him waiting for his words to finally come out of his mouth. He had taken his time which only made things worse.

"Meredith and I , we're having a baby." He had said to her, and the darkness that fell over his face was enough to make him want to punch a hole in their wall. He didn't want to hurt anybody, he knew that his loyalty to protecting Meredith was a weapon, one that turned his girlfriend into a monster, a monster that he had created. She started throwing things at him, pillows, books, a phone. He took it all, he stood there and let her have at him, he did this. He had a choice in all of this. He chose to hurt people, he chose to hurt her, because he didn't want to hurt Meredith. This was all on him, and he was going to take that responsibility.

He didn't tell Meredith about this, he didn't tell anybody. He knew that Jo had though, the way her peers had all given him dirty looks, the way her friends had aggressively declined working with him on cases. He knew he was being shunned for what he did, but he also knew that he was doing the right thing in the long run. She could move on, she could be happy, and he would be happy too.

Arizona sat down beside him, she grabbed his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. She knew what it was like, she knew what cheating on someone did. She's been there, she's felt all the guilt, been on the receiving end of all the hatred your colleagues had for you. She's also been in Jo's position, where the person she loved most in the world, was having a baby with somebody else. "Hey dad, it'll be okay." She whispered, before pulling away, wanting to give him some space. Alex appreciated her support, he did. He just knew that she had no idea what was really going on, and he intended it to stay that way, he was taking this secret and casting it out into the ocean. He owed that to Meredith, at least that's what he believed.