Love Trap (Slow Updates)

Nine.

Aria's pov;

 The last couple of weeks, have consisted of me having constant nightmares, every single time I close my eyes, and barely being physically and mentally able to go to class. I haven't been able to either pay much attention to it. I can't get my mind to work properly, I'm constantly stressing out, crying, contemplating my life choices. I'm drifting back to my old ways, I can feel it in me.

Harry and I haven't talked at all ever since that night we walked home from his boxing match. We haven't even said hello. Nothing. Neither of us has made a move, only brief looks have been exchanged. Jayleen and Jesy haven't really understood what is going on, because I have been hiding from them everything about Neels. I've been making up excuses so as not to go out with them, like having constant projects.

I hate lying, but I don't want to talk to anyone. The bad thing, is that I'm so used to faking a smile and lying, I'm dreading for the day this will be happening all the time and I will forget who I really am.

My nightmares get more intense and graphic every time, shaping my memories, bringing back my past, messing with my mind. The bags under my eyes are more than evident, I have to cover them up with makeup every time I get out of the apartment. I avoid sleep all the time, in order to also avoid those terrible nightmares. Other times, I just can't seem to be sleepy or tired. My insomnia is getting worse every single day.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It's been half a month and I'm a mess. I never thought this would affect me so badly. I feel left alone, abandoned and betrayed. I blame things to my friends, I think that they don't see how much I'm hurting and they won't help me, when I know they won't be able to figure anything out on their own without me telling them.

I don't think Harry has understood anything either. I mean, not that we have paid much attention to each other. I don't know why that happened between us. Harry typically talks to me if he sees that I have my window open, which is most of the time. But something about both of us has changed. Harry is not home most of the time, I've seen him go another way after class and sometimes notice him come home late or hear him come back. 

Myself, I have been opening my window way less. It's not only because New York is freaking cold right now, and the weather forecast keeps telling us that there will be snow in a couple of days, but I don't feel the need to open it? I want to be private because of how much I'm falling out. I don't want Harry to see the mess I am, or hear me cry in the middle of the day or night. I don't want him to hear my screaming while I have my nightmares, or hear me wake up in the middle of the night, trying to drink water to calm myself down.

Currently, I'm getting dressed to go buy some groceries. It's Thursday afternoon, and I'm looking forward to it being Friday tomorrow, so that I don't need to go anywhere in the weekend. I just want to stay inside all day, not socialize and just cry my eyes out. My life is slowly crumbling on its own, if I socialize, it will get worse.

I put my ankle boots on and get my keys. I need to get a driver's license soon. I'm freaking 22 and don't know how to drive. I'm a mess.

I take a taxi to the grocery shop. It's not really that far away but I don't want to get noticed by anyone. Many people from NYU live around here. 

I get all my needed products and pass by the liquor section. Hmm... Prices are pretty low right now. One drink won't hurt, right? I mean, I like drinking. Or used to. Doesn't matter, it's a good distraction. Always has been. I pick up two bottles of wine and a vodka, just in case. In case I crave it, nobody knows.

I need to show my ID at the checkout and it's really annoying. I have been legal to drink since I was 18 because I'm French, America is annoying. Okay, now I'm being ridiculous and I haven't even had a drink.