Thoughts

Dear N

N, oh N
Why can't you realize the effect that you have on me?
When I see you I just feel
Invisible, worthless
Nothing
Do you understand how it feels to have a head turn towards you and then immediately away?
Do I really make you that unhappy?
Are you really so disappointed when you see me?
Why do you talk to everyone but me, N?
Am I really that boring?
You are always talking to those girls in our class,
you know the ones, practically everyone has heard of these girls.
You smile and laugh
but
you seem to frown when you see me.
Are you sad to see me?
Because I'm sad too.
How do you not recognize my pain?
I am hurting constantly but you don't seem to notice because all you can ever mutter to me is
Sup.
I even try
I try to tell you what's going on
Give you a way to comfort me or just
throw me a lifejacket
My day is always going well until I see you.
Then the tables turn and
suddenly I'm just a girl,
a girl in the back of the class
looking at you every chance I get.
And you're just there
Why are you only just there?
Why can't things just be like they were before?
It's like in the course of a day we just lost connection,
we just became boats drifting off into opposite directions.