The Seeker

Chapter 1

     For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
                      Matthew:7:8

       

          "Hey Anna! Wanna go out tonight? There's a new bar opening up in town!"  My friend Mercy exclaimed as she entered my apartment. Everybody in the gang calls her Mer, she's the tallest among us and so far, the most talkative. Without her, things could get a little bit boring.

      "Sure Mer! Hey... Before we go, d'you have MJ there with you? I really need a puff..."  I replied as I sat with her in the sofa.

       "Oh... Shh.... But of course..." She whispered as she took it out from her bag.

      Minutes passed and I finally felt the pang of drug overtake me..

      "So let's go?" She began to stand.
      "Oh yeah... I wanna do some dancin' tonight!!"

                               *****
       We were walking to the bar and my thoughts were wandering away. I feel as if even if I feel happy, there was always something very missing. And I began to feel tired digging up my mind every single night searching for it.

       Parents? Could be... Since I never really had one from the beginning. I do have my aunt but she's worst than the devil to me.... Why is it, that no matter how much I try to push these feelings locked away, I still feel the pain every day. It is beginning to make me go crazy.
          What if I just run away? Or maybe... A pill of death would do the trick?
          I lowered my head as I thought, then suddenly I began to hear a voice from the other side of the street. At first it was unclear but as we walked the voice became louder.

       "...The love of the Lord never fails! The world, may see it as valueless and powerless, but in reality, it is the only thing that can change your Heart!!..."
I was beginning to wonder what the person was talking about, the voice echoed in the streets and so I continued to search whom the voice belonged to. And then as we reached the end of the street, I saw well dressed man holding a bible.
     
      Oh.... So it's the Jesus-people. What more can be expected? We see this people everyday with Bibles in their hands as if they are the holiest on earth.
       But as I looked as this man, I saw something... Different. I see preachers all the time preaching like there is a war going on, this man was one of them. Except there was something in his voice that seemed to draw me. There was... Power, and I could not resist to listen.
    
       "Hey by the way, did you practise the new song we composed? We're gonna sing it Saturday. More singing, more money right?"
  
        .... I heard my friend's voice, but I could not take my ears from the voice I was hearing.

        "Heeey? Anna are you hearing a word I'm saying? What are you looking at anyway?" I felt Mercy's hand on my shoulder as she inclined her eyes to what I am looking at, and I heard her sigh...
       
        "Don't get bothered, it's the Religious Freaks again."

         "Religious freaks?"
  
         "Yeah, those ones. Just a bunch of crazy people shouting 'God is Love'... Crazy right? As if a loving God would let all these bad things happen in the world." I saw her lower her head in disgust. But her words God is Love took my attention.
          God is Love? What does that mean?
          We finally reached the bar and I pushed the thoughts away from my mind. As soon as I entered the bar, the loud music instantly overwhelmed me. It's party time!

                                 ***
         Hours passed of drinking and dancing and finally I felt so tired from the inside out that I couldn't even seem to carry myself anymore. I sat, leaned against the table and closed my eyes.
         Minutes later and I felt tears run down my face. I didn't know why, but it continued to flow, without me allowing it. With my eyes closed I began to see myself. I imagined how I actually looked like, and was disgusted with what I saw.
           Why am I so miserable? Why is my life such a living hell? If there really is a God, or as they say a loving God, then why are there some lives that remain unloved? Why? Are there people who are born to be rejected?
          More tears came as I let the questions resurface. The questions that I had from the very beginning, that was never answered.
         
          I am tired of living like this, this hell of a life. I wish I was never born! I wish I was never formed in my mothers womb! Curse this life! 
         My voice grew louder, but the loud music held my weeping in secret.
         
         "You are an accident child! My you never should've lived! You stupid b*tch!"
I remember my aunts words. She said it when I dropped a glass and broke it in her kitchen. If I deserve those words just because of a broken glass, what kind of human being am I?

         I have nothing. Nothing at all. No family, no true friend, nothing! So what is the sense of living? I'm just born to die anyway, why not cut the suffering short? It's all senseless.. I maybe going to school. I may be smiling. I may be dancing, but I have had enough. Enough of the pretending! It's exhausting.
         I did not know what was happening around me anymore. Tears came endlessly from my eyes. My stomach seemed to churn and my head felt as if it was going to burst any minute. I tried to look up but my sight was turning like a wheel.
 
         The music around me turned louder. But the beating of my heart seemed louder. Indeed, loneliness makes the loudest noise. And it was beginning to break me to pieces.

        "Anna!" I heard Mercy shout. But I couldn't raise my head.
        "Anna are you okay? Had too much?"
        "Shut up." I whispered.
        "Huh, what??"
        "Shut up, leave me alone!" I blurted out. I saw her step back with her hands before her. When I saw that she was away completely, I slowly lifted myself from the chair and used all my remaining strength to walk. I made my way to the bar's back entrance.
         My whole body was so heavy that even walking seemed to be the hardest thing in the world. My lips were tightly shut, but inside my heart was screaming. I continued to walk out of the bar and as soon as I did, I felt my knees surrender. I fell to my knees and tears began to flow again.
        I bowed my head.
 
        "God... If ever there is a God up there.... If You really exist like they say. Then..... Save me....."
       
          My sight began to grow dim, and I felt my consciousness slip away...