The story of a Lonesome ol'Jerome

73- Pessimism, dying, and a ferret

*Andy's POV*

It made me really uncomfortable to see Gwyn smoking. She had said she was a former smoker last night, which meant I had stressed her out so badly, she had relapsed. But I knew better than to actually say anything. I was hardly in a position to point fingers. So I just lit a cigarette of my own and looked at the woman across from me. Her brows were furrowed, probably thinking about how to get started on whatever she wanted to tell me. I gave her my best impish grin. "So, shoot. I'm listening, do your worst."

She laughed nervously, then frowned. "Yeah, I don't even know, really, like, what the fuck to say. So I guess I'll start with this. Everyone I have ever been with has left me because they find me incredibly, unbearably negative. With, like, arguably one small half-exception. But, seriously, no one can tolerate being around me, on a deeper level, for long periods of time. I am certain that, with time, you will find that to be the case too. And I am not looking forward to that." Her frown intensified. "No one has felt that it was worth it to stick around. I don't understand why, as I don't think my world view is that fucked up." She smiled. "I think I'm right all the time."

​​​​I laughed. "Gwyn, seriously, you think I'm not going to be able to tolerate your presence because you're a pessimist?" What on Earth had happened in her previous relationships to fuck her up so much? I mean, seriously, to make her try and warn me off?

She rolled her eyes. "It's not that simple. I'm an uber-pessimist. I hate most of humanity; I prefer animals to most people... Uh, that's kind of connected to the next sort of thing." She got out her iphone. I wasn't following but just forced myself to be patient.

She messed with her phone a little. "Ok, here." She handed it to me and I had a look. It hadher name, birthdate, and a list of medical conditions. But there were a ton of them! I knew what a few ofthem were, like being near-sighted, sleep apnea, major depression, and she hadtold me about chronic motor tics. But what the fuck were dysthymia,idiopathic hypersomnia, subluxating patellas, gastric reflux disease, or any ofthe others?
"Are you fucking dying?!?" I couldn't believe it! I was falling for this girl! I knew she waslike 11 years older than me, sure, but that's not old enough for her be fuckingdying!​​​​ What the fuck!?! I gestured at her with herdamned phone, "Are these treatable?" She hadn't lookedsick!

Gwyn looked surprised, then was clearly trying not to laugh. "No,no, Andy, no, I'm not dying. It's ok." She got up from herlawn chair and bent to hug me, and I squeezed her tightly, kissing her head. Fuck, I was scared for a second there. "You dork, you're sosweet. I don't have any terminal disease, per se."

I released her from my deathgrip and looked at her, still anxious. "Well, are you ok?"​​​​

"Eh, no, and that's the problem. Here, give me the phone for asec?" I passed it back to her. "Ok, so, you know whatbipolar​​​​ disorder is, more or less?" I nodded. "Well,just like how bipolar has two modes, the up and the down, dysthymia is kind oflike a permanent, low-key, monopolar depression. Unlike major depressiveepisodes, it doesn't tend to go away, it's generally life-long. Um... The Wikipedia article on it is pretty good." She smiled,but looked a little apprehensive.

"Ok, hold on, I'll read it." I couldn't help but notice thather eyes seemed to light up when I said that.​​​​​​​ Sweet, score one forAndy! I popped out my phone and had her spell it for me. Reading about dysthymia, it sounded like atotal shit fest way of going through life. I cleared my throat, trying tobuy time as I thought. I wasn't sure howto pose some of the questions I had delicately.

"So... how are you doing? I mean, so you also get the doubledepression?" Ok, I could have asked that a lot smoother. Fucking dammit!

"I do, sometimes. I have a psychiatrist;I 've been on medication since I was, I dunno, fifteen or sixteen. I'vebeen having a hard time lately because I've been lonely, most of my friendslive in California." She shrugged. "I can't live in California because I have a ferret and I like topractice with exotics." She had a ferret! Yes!

"You have a ferret?!? Can I meet it?" I jumped up and putmy cigarette out as soon as she started to nod, all mental and other healthissues temporarily forgotten.