Living with the Millers

Chapter 18 - Apologies

*Unedited, sorry*

Chapter 18 - Apologies 

About a week passed in the house before Ben and I spoke. I couldn't even look him without getting this pinching feeling in my gut.  In a way, I blamed myself.  I had known Benjamin Miller was trouble from the moment I met him, and yet I had allowed myself to fall under his spell.  As much as I hated myself for it, I had fallen just a little bit.  

I liked Ben.

It's not like I could lie to myself and say I didn't; why else would I have kissed him?  Why else did I feel that pain in my chest every time I thought about kissing him again?  It was like he had brainwashed me.  Every day that passed I felt myself being a little less angry, and a little more drawn to him.  We lived in the same house, it's not like I could go without seeing him completely.  

Every time I laid down at night, I found myself trying to justify his actions.  Maybe I hadn't spoken loud enough.  Maybe I wasn't clear.  Maybe he had water in his ears so he couldn't hear me.  But there wasn't an explanation, there wasn't an excuse.  If I hadn't spoken off, if I hadn't stood up for myself, who knows how far he would've taken it.  Just thinking about it made me shiver and curl up into a little ball.  Just because I had feelings for Ben did not mean I wanted to sleep with him.  Just because I liked Ben did not make it okay for him to try to force me.

It made my skin crawl.  Any time I came near him in the house I wanted to run away, and yet at the same time I wanted to run into his arms.  My mind was so confused I couldn't keep my thoughts from making me dizzy.  The feeling of complete conflict was overwhelming, and I didn't know what to do.  I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about what happened.  I didn't want anyone to know, and I didn't want to get Ben in trouble.  I didn't even know who to ask for advice.

The Saturday after we got back from Florida, everyone decided to go out for ice cream.  Savanna had tried to persuade me to tag along, but I simply pulled the sheets over my head and turned my back to her. "Okay sweetie," she sighed, sulking out of my room.  I knew I was being a brat, but I really was not in the mood to go out and watch Ben happily lick an ice cream cone.  All I wanted to do was smash his face in with a baseball bat.  And then apologize, of course.

I must have dozed off, because when I opened my eyes next my eyelids felt heavy.  I blinked a few times, trying to clear my vision.  When I could see clearly, I came face to face with the last person I wanted to see. "What are you doing here?" I growled.

"I needed to talk to you," Ben told me, leaning forward in my dest chair.  He rested his elbows on his knees, hanging his head.  I sat up slowly, crossing my arms over my chest.  I was fully aware of my bedhead and morning breath, but somehow managed not to care.  When he didn't say anything else, I rose an eyebrow at him. "I kinda hate myself sometimes."

"Join the club," I scoffed, rolling my eyes.  That was a lie.  I didn't hate him no matter how much I wished that I did.  Slowly, he looked up at me, locking his gaze with mine.  Those eyes gave me goosebumps, and a shiver ran down my spine. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, dropping his gaze again.  The ache I felt in my heart for him was a pain I didn't know existed.  I wanted to wrap him in my arms and tell him everything would be okay, that he hadn't done anything wrong and that it was all my fault.  I had to bite my lip to prevent the words from coming out of my mouth. "Sometimes I do these things, and I don't know why...You told me to stop, and I tried to go farther.  That is never, ever okay, and I hate that I put you in that position.  If I found out any other guy did that to you I'd probably kill them."

"So then why didn't you stop?" I blurted out, running a hand through my tangled hair. 

He took a deep breath, leaning back so that he looked at the ceiling.  I could feel the tension building in the room, making me squirm.  It was like he was weighing his next words very carefully, like he knew their importance. "You're special, Shiloh.  You aren't like the other girls I've been with.  I haven't felt this connected to someone, ever.  It's like I want to wrap you up and put you in my pocket so that no one can hurt you.  I know how fragile you are, and yet at the same time you're the strongest person I've ever met.  To go through what you've been though...I don't know how you do it.