If You Could See Me Now

∞14∞

[14]

The Beautiful Girl

Fuck! I made a huge mistake!

Ngayon ko lang napagtanto ang maling ginawa kahapon! Damn, I regret what I did yesterday! The part where I got into a fight...because of Eura!

I remembered what she said in order to fall in love. May isa akong hindi nagawa roon. At iyon ang makipag-away para sa kanya. I promised to never ever do that no matter what it takes but damn! What I did yesterday was a vivid manifestation that I completely got into a fight for her. Hindi ko maipagkakaila na ginawa ko nga iyon para sa kanya.

Yes, I did it because...how can I just let it go?! Sanay akong laging pinag-uusapan pero hindi iyong nadudungisan pati pangalan ko. I did it for her and I! I just...because she's a girl! She was being harrased! Kahit sino naman ay mako-konsensya kung hindi siya tutulungan sa ganoong lagay. I did it just because I'm a good person! But still! I did it! It means falling in love to her!

"Ugh! I messed up!" ani ko sa kawalan habang hinihilamos ang aking mga palad sa mukha.

I'm damn confused to what I've realized. Does this mean I love her? Well, I did everything she said to know if you love someone. So that means I really love her, huh? And if I really am, what kind of love do I feel for her? Is it something like first love or something?

Damn! Sa dami ng naging flings ko rati, bakit parang bago palang sa'kin ito? I should've known better. 

I refuse to accept that I feel some love for Eura. If I love her, why don't I feel some kind of desire or unadulterated feeling like I felt to my flings years ago? Huh? Bakit nga ba ako naniwalang kapag ginawa ko lahat ng mga sinabi niya ay ibig sabihin nun mahal ko siya? They weren't stated in books that what she said were facts...

Yes, that's right! What she said were not true. Kung wala iyon sa libro, bakit ko papaniwalain ang sarili ko sa mga kataga ng isang babae lamang? Ako rin naman kasing tanga, naniwala sa mga sinabi niya. Tsk. At bakit ko nga ba prinoblema ang sinabi niya? Maybe I was so desperate to never fall for anyone that I didn't waste time to think and process everything properly. Nadala ako sa pagiging padalos-dalos! That's probably my only fault here. Everything connects!

I finally have a valid reason why I'm not inlove with her despite doing everything she said. So I should ignored everything Eura said. Hindi na ako maniniwala pa. I don't want to believe I'm inlove with her. Cause that's just fucking ridiculous when in the first place, all I feel about her is hatred and disgust. I don't see how my heart confuses itself to believe that it's love I'm feeling for her when it's all loathe I felt since the first time we've met. I blame my heart for giving me fucking complications! Damn it!

"Fiona, I wanna ask you something." I once said as we were walking around a hotel.

It's Saturday. My family was invited to a launching party. Dad was part of it so we were obliged to attend. It is a good thing that the Mendez' were also invited. At least, I won't bore myself till death with all the business discussions and such since Fiona is here as my company.

Malaki ang hotel. Hindi ko maipagkakaila na maganda ang disenyo at service ng hotel. The interior design made you feel like going back the Spanish era. Ancient yet classy. The hotel looked extravagant and intimidating at the same time, but the laughters in the air made the hotel's aura light. Tila ay kahit malaki at nagsisigawang sosyal ito ay mararamdaman pa'rin ang kasimplehan at kakomportablehan ng mga tao sa atmospera ng hotel. Like there was no one above or below. Their laughters are evident they treat each one and another equal. How the hotel did something amazing... I don't know how.

"Hmm...this better not be about Eura..." aniya at umupo sa gilid ng pool, making her feet touch the water.

Umiling ako at seryoso siyang tiningnan, "How do you know if you love someone in a romantic way?"