Nightsong

Mirror on the wall

Damon looks at himself in the mirror. Songfic to Mirrors by Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars.

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Mirror on the wall, here we are again
Through my rise and fall, you've been my only friend.

Damon looks at himself in the mirror, and he doesn't see the pale, gorgeous vampire with bottomless eyes that everyone else does. The mirror doesn't lie, and he sees himself for what he is, a monster.

You don't know whether you're coming or going, you think that you're on your way
Life lined up on the mirror don't blow it.

He thinks of all the years gone by, all the kingdoms that had fallen to dust before his eyes, the people he'd met, all the empty eyes that had stared at him as he drained away the last of their blood. He tries to think of what he has gained, what he has learnt, what had been the point of it all, but he comes up with nothing. And alone in the dark room, all by himself, he can drop all pretenses, and he realizes he is broken, he'd always been. He looks into those eyes blacker than any night, but he doesn't see any stars, and it's only a dark emptiness that stares back.

Look at me when I'm talking to you, you look at me but I'm looking through you
I see the blood in your eyes, I see the love in disguise,
I see the pain hidden in your pride
I see you're not satisfied
And I don't see nobody else, I see myself.

He tries to figure out where it had all gone wrong, or maybe it had never been right in the first place. Something stirs up an age old, buried emotion from deep inside of him, and he thinks of a country miles away, he remembers his mother's face, and wonders what would have happened if she hadn't died. Maybe all of it wouldn't have gone so wrong then. Maybe they'd be a home and a family. But then, he would never have met Elena, he would never have known what it was to love. And he doesn't regret all the years gone by; maybe it was all worth it, after all, maybe it was meant to be. But he knows, that for her, it would never be him. She would always choose his brother over him, and the room is suddenly colder than it was before, and he'd never felt more alone.

I see the truth in your lies, I see nobody by your side,
But I'm with you when you're all alone, and you correct me when I'm looking wrong
I see that guilt beneath the shame
I see your soul through your window pane
I see the scars that remain

He closes his eyes, it's just too much to take, too much to contain. And again, he thinks of all the years gone to waste, looking for adventure, looking for power, looking for something, but he will never know what. He is so tired, and he just wishes he had a home to come back to, a safe place. And he thinks of wide brown eyes, and purple veins on porcelain skin, but it doesn't feel right to think about her like that. He remembers how scared she used to be of him, yet still trying to be brave, like a trapped little bird. But he'd never hurt her. He never could, she was just so pure, so fragile. She was his little bird. A ghost of a smile creeps up on his face. He wishes she was with him then, he wants to hold her close, so close, like there is no tomorrow. He wants to keep her safe. But it doesn't seem right, and he's scared. She's just a little bird, and he is a monster. He'd only crush her.

Looking at me now I can see my past
Light it up, that's smoke at mirrors, I even look good in a broken mirror
I see my mama smile, that's a blessing
I see the change, I see the message.

He doesn't know if he'll ever change. He doesn't know where to start. He doesn't know if he really wants to, he doesn't know if he can. He doesn't want to try. But he thinks of a little boy who'll never know how it is to have a mother, and when Stefan looks at him, he sees right through him, and he knows, and in-spite of all his disdain, he understands. But the mirror mocks him with a smile, and it had all been for nothing, and he sees the futility of it all, and he just wants to give up.

Here we are again,
Through my rise and fall
You've been my only friend.

Damon feels so old, so tired. He's been running around in circles all this while and it had never led anywhere. It had never been right. But he thinks of homes and happy places, and he looks into the mirror again, and all of it felt so much like an illusion.

So why are we here, talking to each other again?