The Potions Master's Daughter (Book Five)

Chapter 4

The next morning I slept in but once I was up I worked on writing resposes to all the letters I had gotten in the past couple weeks. I wrote back to hermione about her trip to Ireland. I wrote back to Ron who had written me a quick letter complaining about Percy and telling me how well Fred and George's joke shop was going. I sent one off to Harry who was now at Grimmauld Place. Like he promised he sent me stories about Lupin and Tonks, and Sirius. I wrote back to Hermione who had told me all about her family's vacation to France, and a few other Muggle things she had done with some of her neighbors, like bowling. Neville had also written me a sweet note, telling me his gran was doing well, and that he wanted me to come over in about a week if I could, a week from when I got this note would be right around now. I sent him back one, apologizing for the lateness saying Lucky had gotten injured, and that I would love to go over or to have him over soon.

I went down to breakfast, where my father was already sitting reading the newspaper, but he looked up when I came in, "You startled me a bit, I'm so used to no one being home," he siad with a small laugh, "Would you like any breakfast?"

I nodded, "Oh gosh, anything would be good right now. I haven't eaten well in weeks."

"Why don't we go to the diner and get some breakfast. You can also tell me all about why you aren't sleeping, and whatever else we need to catch up on after last night."

I nodded so we left his house and walked down the road to the diner. Over the past few years we had gone here together many times, but the first time was still vivid in my mind. It was where I learned I was a witch, and where I first got to know my father. Both of us had grown so much from the people we were then, and we had done it together. There weren't as many fights, and the comfort level we both had with each other had increased tenfold since that first breakfat.

Once our food came he asked, "So why do you need all these potions to help you sleep? What's been keeping you up?"

I gulped, maybe it was finally time for the truth, "I've been having bad dreams, and they're all about this other dream I had-only it wasn't a dream, it was like a vision of some sort. You know how Harry would have those visions because he was connected to Voldemort? That's the kind of thing I've been seeing too."

"What do you see?"

"There's a baby on the floor playing with some toys. I have no idea what it is, but I get this sense that it's me. Then there's this man with my mother looking at me play, and I have no idea who he is at all. I shouldn't be able to remember it if it's my own emmeory, but if it isn't htne I have no idea why I saw this either."

"If that's what's causing you not to sleep you need to just forget about it for now," Severus said, "It was most likely nothing more than just a dream. I will help you brew some omre potions for a little while longer, but it's bad to have this dependence on them too. You need to let go of worrying about this dream for now, there are mroe important things you have to focus on while you're awake."

"Okay, I'll try," I told him, knowing full well it wouldn't work.

"Now, we should talk about last night," he started then cleared his throat, "How are you coping with what you, uh, did?"

I shrugged, with sincere indifference, "I haven't been thinking about it that much I suppose. He deserved it, and he was going to kill Blake if I didn't, so I don't exactly regret it. I don't feel good and powerful because of it or anythign but I also don't feel an immense weight on my soul either."

He looked like he wanted to say something but instead he said, "I am just glad that Draco and Blake were able to do what they needed to to impress the Dark Lord."

We spoke about the two of them for a bit, then talked about school for a bit, before we walked home.

There was an owl waiting for me when I got home, so I carefully untied the note from its leg and read it. It was from Neville. He was asking if I wanted to come over today. He said to just come over if I did, since sending back a note would take too long. I got the okay from dad then apparated right over.

I knocked on the door, and when it opened I was greated with a hug from Neville's gran, "Gran," Neville grumbled, "Let her go, you're going to suffocate her."

"It's fine," I told him, rolling my eyes and giving his gran a full smile.

"Why don't we go downstairs?" he suggested.

We went down to his basement and sat on the couch, pretty close to each other, "How has your summer been?"

He shrugged, "Pretty boring honestly. There's been a couple Order meetings that I've gone to and gotten to see everyone, but pretty much I've been stuck here with gran. How about you though, your summer has sounded super interesting! Severus had told us at the first Order meeting you missed that you were doing something with the ministry? Like working as a junior Auror?"

I nodded, though there was nothing i wanted more than to get off this subject so I didn't have to lie, "Yeah, it was pretty interesting, but nothing really happened that I got to be a part of and i was a lot of work. Frankly I'm glad I'm home, I think I can do a lot more to help from here."

He nodded in understanding then thankfully changed the subject, "You look like you still haven't been sleeping. I could tell you weren't the end of last year too, are you okay"

I smiled softly, "Yeah I'm fine, just nightmares and all from everything that's happening. I take potions to help me sleep at night, but they can only do so much. Was there anything I missed important at any of these Order meetings? Severus is terrible at remembering to tell me things."

He shook his head, "Not much honestly."

I nodded, and we slipped into an unbreakable silence. I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about, but I was sure I wanted to keep talking, I didn't want to seem boring. I forgot all about wanting to talk once I noticed a tiny bit of stubble beginning to grow on his face, right on the side. I smiled to myself and began to look at him even more, taking in his eyes, and his lips, and the way his shirt was slightly hugging his arms and chest now.

He caught me looking and I immediately looked away blushing and he said barely audibly, "Jess I still really like you."

I knew that if I looked at him, things wouldn't go the way they were supposed to, so looking at my hands I replied, "You know how I feel about you, but I think we shouldn't."

Suddenly his hand was on my chin and he lifted my face up, "Look at me, and tell me you honestly believe that Jessica."

I looked into his eyes and said earnestly, "Neville if I could be with you right now, I would, you are one of the most important people in my life. But there is so much going on, and there is no way I'd ever forgive myself if I put you in unecessary danger, or hurt you because of somethign Severus or I am involved in. I need to put aside my feelings, at least for now, and act rationally, and that means I can't always have what I want."

I trailed off, knowing that at this point I was trying to convince myself, "Why don't you," Neville said softly and deliberately, cupping the side of my face in his hand, "Put aside rationaly thoguht at least for today, and do something you enjoy."

He leaned in and I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I leaned into his kiss with a sense of urgency. He was most of what I had thought about for the past month, and for the longest time I had wanted this again. Then these thoughts of pleasure turned into fear. What would he ever say if he knew I had killed a man just a day ago with my bare hands, or that I was helping Lord Voldemort. There was no way he'd ever forgive me. I needed to stick with what I knew was best for him in the end.

With that thought in mind I pulled back, blinked back several tears and said, "Neville, I still don't think this is a good idea. I'm not in a position to be selfish all the time, other people need me to be ratiional here."

He sighed dejectedly, "Well if you ever change your mind, I'm here Jessica. For now I'm okay with just knowing you feel the same way."

The rest of the day we talked, catching up, and we kept flirting with each other. It was wrong, but it was so innocent, whatever harm came out of it, I could surely deal with in the future.

"Thank you for having me," I told his gran before I left with a pop and went back to Spinner's End.