Twin Brothers

17

Gaius and I watch as Arthur walks into the great hall where his father lays. We close the large doors behind him. I sat on a bench in the corridor by the doors. So many thoughts entered my head. I should have stayed away from Morgana and Marcus. This is my fault and there was no changing that. I'm the reason Arthur is in there mourning his father right now. I'm the reason he's experiencing this loss and pain. 

I felt a presence sit next to me. It was Gaius.

"We must leave him to mourn," he said. I didn't move. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to feel like this anymore. This isn't me. I would never have done something like this. I would never have betrayed my friend. "Merlin?"

"This is all my fault," I blurted out unexpectedly. "I killed him."

At this point, I don't think I cared to be found out by someone. I have to face what I've done. I have to tell somebody. Otherwise, I'll just drift away into a void and never find my way back. I don't know, nor could I ever imagine, what I would do then.

Gaius turned towards me. "You did not kill Uther. Morgana did," he started. I looked at him but only for a second before looking away. I couldn't even look him in the eye. How am I going to tell the truth to this man? Of course it was Morgana's blade that ended his life, but it was still my actions that made that happen. "Uther's spirit died when she broke his heart." I took in his words as he spoke. "We must look to the future. Uther's death will allow Arthur's progression to the throne," Gaius continued. I looked back at him before turning away to wrap my head around his words. I knew what he was going to imply: my place in Arthur's reign, my influence to bringing back magic to the kingdom. What future do I have any right to be a part in? There's darkness in me. Not even I can control it or prevent it when I don't even understand it. I don't trust myself around any one. How could I be sure I won't snap again and harm Arthur? "We must hope it brings peace and stability to the land."

"Magic will still be outlawed," I spoke up to him. Looking away, I realized my error. "I have turned Arthur against it forever." I took a deep breath, suddenly taking note of how exhausted I was. "He'll never know who I really am." Or at least who I used to be, but I couldn't say that to Gaius. 

I never wished to push Arthur away. Without him by my side, I've gone and lost who I am. My magic plays a huge role into my person, but that other side of me, the side that holds my pain and happiness, will forever determine who I am in full. If I can't figure that out soon, I may as well be throwing away the right for any witch or warlock to be free. 

Maybe I should have done things differently. Maybe I should have listened to Kilgharrah and killed Morgana when I had the chance. Or maybe I shouldn't have listened at all and followed my gut feeling. After all, listening to that dragon had trained me, in a way, not to trust myself throughout the years. If I had helped Morgana the way I wanted to, without any outside influence, perhaps things would have ended differently for her destiny. She's strong in her magic with the help of Morgause and has betrayed both her father and brother. Now, she killed Uther. There's no way Arthur is going to accept magic after seeing what it's done to Morgana.

"That time will come. I'm sure of it," Gaius said. I looked down. Something tells me that he'll find out about my magic soon enough. Gaius' words did nothing to help with that fear. I'm afraid he'll take my magic as a sign of my darkness. He'll never see me the same way ever again. He'll never again see me as just Merlin. I'll be evil in his eyes. He won't know forgiveness when he thinks of me because of the actions I've done. That day is not one I look forward to. I only hope that it is of my choosing to tell him–no one else's. 

"Arthur will be under even more pressure now that he is king," I hesitantly look back to the old mans face. A face of understanding, of care. The lump in my throat grew. How could I ever think Gaius was a traitor? All he's ever done was keep my secret and make sure I was all right. He's kept me safe and took care of me when I couldn't. Like now, when I doubt myself, he's there to reassure me. "He will need you more than ever." I kept quiet. Deep down, I knew he was right. The only question was how do I do it?