New or Old Love?

Home?

Rick had picked you up, a day after Negan told you that you could go back to Alexandria; when you saw the ex-sheriff, your heart skipped a beat and a warm feeling washed over you, but when you looked at Negan, the exact same happened. You tried to rein in your thoughts, you were in love with Rick - who treated you like a queen, who was there for you, who would never cheat on you - not Negan - who did also treat you like a queen, who was also there for you, but had cheated on you. Your family - John, Dean, Dwight, and Scott - were all the Sanctuary, the man who had taken care of you since you had been shot was there, but Rick, Carl, and Judith were all at Alexandria. You were torn. Where was your home? Did you even have a home? Did you have feelings for Negan? Were you going to give Rick up for Negan? Were you even going to tell Rick about your inner conflict? You wanted to weep, you weren't brave enough to tell Rick, you were just going to waste your time on fixing your conflicts in your own head. No-one needed to know. Rick, especially, didn't need to know.

"Hey, are you okay?" Rick asked when you got to Alexandria, you were resting on the bed the two of you shared and you didn't want to tell him the truth.
"Yeah, just a bit drowsy" you replied, lying as best as you could, but you had an inkling that he knew that you weren't telling him. Rick smiled gently and kissed the top of your head, laying the duvet on top of you and casting his azure eyes over to the lamp in the corner of the room. Something clicked in his pretty little head.
"Get some sleep, I'll be downstairs. I love you" he told you, fiddling with something in his pocket. He seemed anxious. Was he hiding something?
"Love you too" you yawned, turning onto your side once he had left and sighing, your hand glided beneath the multitude of pillows until you felt the bite of cold metal. Your hand blindly felt the clump of metal until you realised what it was: one of the rings John had given you. Was Rick going to propose? What if he was? Were you going to say yes? No? Maybe?

Thoughts flooded your mind until you eventually tired yourself out and passed out, dreams and nightmares of what would happen haunting your brain.

When you woke up, it was dark out, and Rick was still downstairs. You went to seek him, remembering to take the ring with you.
"Rick" you looked at him as he was sat on the sofa, his cyan eyes zoned out, deep in thought. How long had he been like this?
"Hey, Rick" you hesitated but figured the best way to pull him out of his trance was to kiss his cheek. A simple gesture that the two of you had done countless times, but somehow, it felt wrong.
"Y/n" he smiled, clearly he had been thinking about something pleasant, but his hand flew into his pocket again and began to fiddle with the same thing he was earlier. He was like Smeagle, or Frodo, with the One Ring.
"What's up?" you asked, gently pulling his hand out of his pocket and holding it tightly. Rick sighed and shut his beautiful cobalt eyes away for a moment.
"Y/n, I was so worried about you... I thought you died! But... I don't know how to say this" his hand retreated from yours and he opened its clam to show the pearl; the ring John had given. Rick continued, "Y/n, will you marry me?" Your heart sank. You didn't know what to do. You didn't know what you wanted, who you wanted.
"Rick... I'm so, so, sorry, baby, but I can't." you admitted, getting up and walking away from Rick as tears threatened to spill from your eyes; Rick thought you needed time to think, to clear your head, to heal.

Was your home with Rick Grimes? Was it in Alexandria? Or was it with John, Dean, Dwight and Scott? Was it with, of all people, Negan? Or were you simply cursed to not have a home any longer?