Submissive cravings

Chapter 5

~VIC'S POV ~

I left Jaime’s place behind and walked down to the beach. I was madly in love with the ocean. Whenever I got depressed and thoughts about death started to hunt me, sitting by the ocean was my medicine. The sound of the enormous waves crashing against the fresh sand kept me sane. It also inspired me to write. Right now I felt like I needed the sea to wash away the feelings that were unsettling me. I was disgusted with myself.

Maybe I was never really cured; maybe I just wanted people to believe that. Truth be told, I didn’t feel my heart beat any faster when Stacy stripped for me, nor when she got on her knees and undressed me. I wasn’t hard when she started to rub me up and down. I told her I was just tired. She believed. Susan and Emma did too.

My parents were happy when Mike told them about me being straight again. I told my friends I fucked those girls senseless. And I did, but I felt a void inside me when we were done; a void that even climaxing couldn’t fix. I thought I was just imagining things but today with Jaime it was all a different story. My heartbeat was out of control when he touched me; I was as hard as a rock when he ripped my pants off and, finally, the moment I came into his warm mouth I felt complete. Then it was all pleasure and ecstasy. No void.

It felt right while it lasted.

However, guilt consumed me afterwards... Jaime was a guy, like me...loving a blow job given by him implied me being gay or bi; which didn’t precisely matter since my only option was being straight (unless I wanted to be rejected by my beloved ones again, but that wasn’t something I would ever consider, would I?).

Truth be told, I just wanted to be happy.

The problem, though, was defining what the hell happiness meant for me: being accepted and appreciated for something I was more and more convinced I wasn’t or being left out because of who I truly was.

A decision had to be made…so I made it.