Rogue Undecided

.:~Chapter Six~:.

As I shoved the last of my stuff in the big moving van that was parked outside of my house, I wondered if my leaving would effect anyone.

Sure, I've had the occasional friend over the years but I've never really kept in contact with any of them. As soon as they got nosey and wanted to know about my personal life I ditched them. I'm sure none of them remembers my name anymore, and if I were to pass one of them while walking down the street I'm positive they wouldn't know who I was.

I used to be their best friend, now I'm just a stranger with memories of a friendship that meant nothing.

Yeah, I'll admit. I'm lonely. Every single day of my life I crave the attention of another, and I want so badly to have someone who would see me as someone more than a girl with pain in her eyes. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything would get better. I want a provider, a lover, a best friend, and a safety blanket all rolled into one. I just......want.

Please take note of how many times I said the word want in my little rant. I said it over and over again, and even though I said it a million and one times I'll say it again.

I want someone to be there for me.

I want the whole earth shattering experience.

But I don't need it.

That's the main point. We all want stuff, so much so that we are willing to commit crimes and hurt others just to get something we long to have. I don't think many of us stop and think about what we're doing to others just to satisfy our own cravings. We act before we think, and to me that's the biggest flaw anyone on this planet can have.

I'm not perfect and I know I never will be, so admitting that I have flaws isn't a huge deal for me like it might be for others. I'm guilty of hurting people just to get what I want, and let me tell you, that satisfaction of having what you want only last for so long.

So please, consider what I'm saying to you. I'm telling you this from experience. Never want for something so much that it consumes you completely and turns you into something your not, because in the end that small victory you might gain by getting what you want isn't worth it.

The pleasure and victory only lasts for so long. Than your back to being the person you were before. Empty, and craving for something new.

As I looked at the house I grew up in I realized how big of a fool I've been.

I would love to stay in this house, in this neighborhood, and in this state. I want all that.

But I don't need to stay. I don't need to live by the same people another day, or stare out the same window every morning. I don't need to hear the crashing of the waves, or sit under the shady palm tree in my back yard. I don't need any of it, and frankly I'm okay with that.

I'm not sure whether it was that revelation that made packing easier, but somehow I found all of my belongings packed into brown boxes, stacked in the back of a moving truck. I knew I had nobody to say goodbye too, so I honestly had nothing keeping me here.

Granted, I don't want to leave the place I grew up in, and I don't want to go with the foster parents from the magical land of Care-O-Lot. I want to go to the beach and drowned my sorrows in the bright sun and dazzling blue water. But I knew I couldn't. I had to leave.

As I got in the back of the overly expensive rental car that Emily insisted was necessary, I made a silent oath to myself.

I would come back.

It's didn't matter when, or how. All that mattered was that I would stand in this driveway again, and I would inhale this same air, even if I used my last breath.