one shots | stydia

Stydia|| Philophobia.

Lydia's Point Of View:

"It's called Philophobia.

Fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in | or falling in love.

It was obvious. My soulmate wasn't Jackson, it wasn't Aiden, it wasn't Jordan. It was him.

The funny thing is, every time I'm near him, heat rises to the surface of my cheeks making me feel red and flustered. Hairs on the back of my neck and my arms rises. The way that my pulse rises every time I hear the tone of his voice, or someone mentioning his name is profoundly un-normal. The static electricity when his arm will accidentally brush across mine would make my spine shiver in an overwhelming rushing feeling i couldn't even begin to describe. How I cannot stop staring at his lips when he talks, wanting to feel the burning sensation of when we first kissed again, even if it was under unusual circumstances. Do you know his tongue darts to his lips while he's investigating the new big bad? Or the way he fiddles with his fingers when he's angry or nervous, even exited. With him, I feel like I'm at home. Like it's Christmas, and your sat with the people you love, curled up with a mug of hot chocolate burning up the palm of your hands. Your chest will rise and fall softly, to the steady beat of your heart and the crackling burn of the fire. I look at him, and that's all I feel. Like I'm at home.

Instead, when I like that feeling; when I'm so deep over my head and it feels like my chest caves in every time I see him glance in another woman's direction. It feels like every single atom of my body is getting ripped apart, telling me it's a bad idea to fall for someone, so...so gentle.

Every time he looks at me, I feel like I'm reaching a point of vulnerability. My knees asking to buckle underneath his stare. It's like two paths crossing in the right moment but my body and my mind is cussing me out, tearing me down and throwing anxiety along my pathway to stop me in my tracks. I feel like I shouldn't love someone so...SHIT, so nice, and that I don't deserve it. It's like I'm scared to be sucked in by Stiles Stilinski, that when I feel vulnerable I push him away.

Every time I feel like I'm in an emotional vulnerable state; I need to dash to the nearest exit.

Maybe that's why he chose Malia.

I mean, they're not officially back together. Yet..though she wants it. I know a small fraction of Stiles wants it too.

She doesn't tear herself down all the time, she doesn't stop herself from loving him. Unlike me. I do. I want to love him, but it makes me cry and weak and stressed out every time I think about falling in love, I'm scared. I'm scared of the simple word 'love'. Isn't that sad? I'm an nine-teen year old woman. I graduate soon. It's just those three little words that builds my walls so high a bird could not fly over them.

He makes me feel strong, safe, yet vulnerable. It's bizarre of what one person can impact your life, your objectives, your attitude. People scare me, honestly. They do. One minute they can be like 'I love you.' 'Never let me go.' To 'this is not what I want.' 'I don't love you anymore.' It's not the commitment I'm scared of. It's loosing someone, and I've lost too many people in my life. I guess that's what it is. Shitty Philophobia. The fear of loving; or falling in love. It's crazy right?"

I finished my rant, it felt like a small amount of weight was lifted off my shoulders. Although, therapy isn't helping like at all.

I sat opposite the lady. She continuously tapped her pen on her notepad, jotting things down here and there.

"And how does that make you feel?" The therapist repeated for the 3rd time. That's all it is, expressing your feelings to a stranger you pay 100 dollars per session. I slammed my head on the table, the impact made my eyes water.