Letters To My Classmates

Pacify Her (2016/2017)

Dear Gossip Girl,

You know exactly who you are.  And you know exactly what you did.

But, let's not start with that.  We used to be friends.  Really good friends.  Like I would jump off a cliff for you type of friends.  Tell each other everything type of friends.  Until we weren't.  We were something else.  We were less than friends, but not yet enemies.  I don't want to use the term frenemies, cause we weren't even that.  We were something bitter and vile, and I didn't like it.

I tried.  I tried so hard to be your friend, but every time I came even remotely close, you would push me away, and I would start the process over again.  It was mentally and emotionally exhausting.  I was alone.  For a really, really long time.  And even though you kept me around, you used me.  You used me for your bidding.  I was there for your entertainment, someone who you could laugh at with your real friends and gossip about to your heart's delight.  I was an old Christmas present from your great-aunt, something you could point at and judge while you told everyone else you loved it.  I was the subject of your gossip because you knew I would take it without question.  You knew that I wouldn't fight back.  That I was too much of a peacekeeper to do anything about my own problems with you.

How wrong you were.

I don't know if you remember it, you don't seem to remember anything about me anymore.  I think it was a Friday, and we were all riled up for the weekend.  All day, you had been talking about seeing your crush at church later that evening.  We had been working on a project together with Metalhead, but it wasn't much a project.  It was more of "Gossip Girl will plan everything out, I will do all the work, and Gossip Girl and Metalhead will take all the credit."  You didn't even have a plan.  You just wanted to wing it.  I tried to talk to you to see if we could take some more time to plan it out, but you said it was a waste of time.  And when I kept insisting that we should take some more time to think it through, you told me something that stung.  Like salt in a fresh wound.

"Your opinion doesn't matter to me."

At first, I was confused by it.  You, you were always making sure your opinion was heard, as well every other girl that happened to be in the room.  You were the queen of opinions.  But then, the emotions I had been biting back, the emotions I had been biting back all year, burst out.  I exploded.  I screamed at you, and you yelled back.  We fought with a ferocity that Ares would have been jealous of.  After fifteen minutes of intense rage from both of us, Metalhead managed to get us to both calm down.  But it wasn't over, not by a long shot.  This was just a temporary truce.

After that, you stopped talking to me.  Completely.  And you told everyone about the project incident.  You spun out lies about it like you were a spindle.  And they believed you, the insanely good liar that you are.  For a while, I was alone, completely alone.  Sure, people still made small talk with me, but I could tell they didn't really want me there.  There was even a time when I thought that you wanted to be my friend again.  We talked, we talked a lot.  But I realized that it was a cruel trick.  You squeezed my secrets out of me.  Then you continued to tell them to the rest of the class.  All of them.

But then, there came a time when I decided that I didn't care anymore.  That I was worth more than what you made me out to be.  And now, I have friends.  Friends that actually care about me.  Friends that don't look at me that I'm some piece of trash that they haven't bothered to throw away yet. 

 And, to some who read this, I seem like I'm playing the role of the victim. I'm not. This is my perspective on it.  But know, whatever Gossip Girl tells you, this is the cold, hard truth.  I've never been a good liar, and I'm not about to start.  Whatever her perspective is on this, it's your choice.  Believe her or believe me.  I'm not going to make you choose between what you think is real and what really is real.  That's up to you.

So thank you Gossip Girl.  Thank you for ruining my life so I could start it again.  Thank you for being the icebreaker for Ringo Starr and I.  Thank you for making sure I went through Underworld and back because now, I'm stronger.  Thank you.

P.S. You know exactly who you are.  And you know exactly what you did.