The Madness Inside Us

Remembering

I crack open my eyes and see the dark plastic of the truck bed. The world is dark and quiet except for a quiet conversation taking place to the left of the truck. The bed is lightly illuminated by the flickering glow of the campfire.

The group must be stopped for the night.

I start to shift my weight slightly so that I am on my back. My fingers tingle from where I slept on my arm for so long. As soon as I begin to move, pain erupts in my abdomen and leg. I suck in some air through my gritted teeth and let my fingers wander to the pain. My fingers hesitantly dive under my shirt and probe against several spots that seem to be raised and have prickly stitches dotting them.

What happened to me?

My eyes squint shut as a rush of pictures and small clips come to me. Slippery blood and snarling and clawing, the feeling of cartilage between my teeth, a hot, metallic sensation in my mouth. An explosion of searing pain in my body.

Oh my God.

Tears collect in my eyes and I can't breathe. Small sobs bounce around my chest as I try not to move, not wanting to feel the pain again. My trembling hand covers my mouth as I remember every detail.

I...killed...all those people. What happened to me? What did I become? I'm a monster. Not just a bump-in-the-night kind...the real kind. The kind you pass on the street without knowing. The kind that wears a pleasant face but gets pleasure from doing things that are dark and evil.

My name is spoken softly. I tune in to what the voices by the fire are telling each other.

"She told us that she didn't want to lose herself." The voice is stern and hushed. It must belong to Warren.

"Yeah, but she saved us back there." Kindness seeps into this cracking voice.

"Give the kid a break. She's been through a lot since she's been with us." I almost smile. Doc.

"Can't you guys just be thankful for once and let it go? We survived, thanks to me and Tally." This must be Murphy. Nobody else is that aloof about murdering humans. Or grandiose, period.

The rustle of grass under boots hints that someone has stood up abruptly. "This is your fault. She didn't want this! You're going to make her just like Cassandra." 10k, at last.

"Oh please. Tally is much better than Cassandra. More...human. and have you seen her resist me? Trust me, she's fine."

Murphy. I grit my teeth so hard they squeak together.

More rustling. I hear someone struggle as they are held back.

"10k, we need him for the vaccine. Not yet." I recognize Warren's voice again. 10k must have gone after Murphy.

"Look, none of that even matters if she doesn't wake up. It's been two days, and it's not looking good." I can't tell who that one is.

I can't take anymore of the conversation, so I make my way into a sitting position, gritting my teeth against the pain that sends black dots dancing along my eyes. The group looks to me as they hear me moving around, and 10k's lanky figure rushes to me.

He jumps into the truck's bed and pulls me into a firm hug. I yell out in pain from being jostled, and he pulls back to look at my face, eyes wide and apologetic. His warm, wide palm moves to rest against my sticky cheek.

---------------

The rest of the group greets me warmly. Warren puts Addy and Doc on first watch. Apparently 10k has been a mess, not sleeping the whole time I was out and taking over most of the watches. Doc whispers to me about this as we all prepare to settle in for the night. He mentions that 10k has hardly spoken to anyone. Guilt weighs like a full safe on my chest.  Doc also fills me in on what happened while I was out, including the gruesome story of my impromptu surgery.  He spared no detail about digging around for buckshot, trying to staunch the flow of blood,  and even stitching me up.  When I asked how he even knew how to do all of this, he mentioned that he used to watch a lot of E.R.

10k slumps over to us from where he put out the the fire, and I study the dark circles that mark his eyes.

This is my fault too. I should have left the group when I had a chance. Better yet, they should have given me mercy when I got bitten. I'm making all this harder on everyone.

Everyone finishes getting settled in, leaving me and 10k in the bed. I squirm as carefully as I can toward 10k, trying to avoid hurting myself again. He takes the hint and helps pull my head into his lap, stroking my hair and letting his eyes close and head roll back for the first time in days.

When the sky begins to lighten again, I was myself out of 10k grasp and grab one of my knives. I pause and decide to bring my pistol too. I needed to get away for a little while. With one last glance at 10k's peaceful face, I head off into the woods.