The Madness Inside Us

Decision

I manage to get into the wooded area without being detected by the group. My legs carry me about half a mile into the treeline before I get too winded and in pain to move, so I make myself comfortable amongst the roots of a massive oak.

For a while, I just sit and observe the life around me. Small, slimy frogs spring across the crunchy soil, the occasional bird twitters out a song...the woods are so peaceful. The rising sun warms the earth and my skin as I lean back on the scratchy bark. Smells of decaying leaves and dirt and the light summer breeze swirl around together and toss my curls lightly.

I have been in serious danger of dying too many times in the past few weeks than anyone would be comfortable with. I have burdened this poor group of truly good people with my shitty luck...and I'm a monster. I'm not normally one to wallow in my own despair, but I can't help but be engulfed in it as I reflect on recent events.

They would all be better off without me. I could hurt them too. I can't stand the idea of hurting 10k.

I play around with my hunting knife, twirling it around my fingers and lightly running my fingers along the dull blade. My eyes blur with fresh tears.

God, when did I become such a baby?

Probably when you got soft and let yourself fall in love with that boy.

Shut up.

If you weren't so soft, Murphy wouldn't have saved you by biting you.

Did he really save me, though? He just turned me into a monster. If nobody else will give me mercy, I may as well do it myself and take all the burden off everyone. I just don't want to be a monster anymore.

My eyes trail to the pistol beside me. I grab it and check to see if it's loaded, racking the slide. My heart slams against my ribs as I press the gun to my temple. For just a moment, I close my eyes and let myself think of 10k. Kissing, smiling, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, shooting Zs, licking his lips...

I'm shaking now, and tears leak down my face. I wish that I got to see and kiss and be with 10k one more time. It's better this way. No more pain for him, and I don't have to worry about hurting anyone in the group just because Murphy wills me to.

My finger slips to the trigger.

But who will help protect the group? Murphy? He's too selfish.  He thinks the whole world owes him something.

Air rushes from my lungs and I set the gun on the ground beside me.

I'll just wait a little longer.  I can't leave them...not yet.

The one thing I thought was a certainty in all of this was my free will.  Now what do I have?