Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

Chapter 3 - Unknown Reasons

The rest of dinner seemed to drag on. My mom, Allison, seemed on edge. If I could read her mind, I bet I'd hear thought after thought about how she shouldn't be here. How she shouldn't be out, not without him. I tried to be present with her, but it seems I was stuck in my head just as much as she was. Except the boy occupying my thoughts has electric green eyes and continued to ask if we needed refills for the duration of dinner.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure what it is about him that I'm so drawn to. It's as if I'm some stray piece of metal and he's a magnet pulling me to him.

"That wasn't so bad," my mother smiled as we reached our floor.

"Maybe it will inspire you to leave the apartment more often. You know, it's not so bad out there. It's almost freeing." I followed her into the apartment before she abruptly stopped in the middle of the living room.

"You know I can't do that, Carson. And you know why I can't."

I sigh. "I know, mom. I just don't think this is what Luke would have wanted."

"Don't you dare talk about him to me!" She spits. "You were hardly around to know what the hell he would have wanted!"

"That's not fair," I whisper, my voice cracking.

"What's not fair is Luke not being able to see his sister for weeks at a time. He always thought there was something wrong with him because his own sister would never spend time with him."

"Stop," I warn.

"You wanted to talk about this, so let's talk about it!" She shouts. "Do you have anymore advice to throw in my face while you're at it?"

"Stop!" I scream back.

"It's your fault, you know." Her features have hardened while she stares at me with an unreadable expression.

"Mom," I cry.

"No," she interrupts. "He was going to look for you." I know the story and I know where this is heading. "You were high out of your mind on whatever drug you had taken that night. After you screamed at me and told me you hated my guts, you left."

"I know, mom. I know what happened that night. Can we please-"

"You killed him!" Tears began to spill from her eyes as she backed away from me. "It's your fault that he's dead!"

My feet subconsciously carried me backwards towards the elevator as tears flowed down my cheeks.

"You did it!" She repeats for what feels like the millionth time. It feels like a knife has been thrusted into my stomach each time she screams that it was my fault.

My fingers press the elevator button multiple times as if it will make it move any faster. I practically fall into the elevator as the doors open. I push the first floor button and slide down the wall as my mother disappears from my view.

Once the doors have closed, I push the stop button in the elevator. I hug my knees to my chest and sob. I know that I will have to go back in there, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Is this what my mother had felt ever since the accident? Why didn't she tell me?

She hates me. My mother hates me. She blames me for the death of my brother.

And I agree. I hate myself, too.

**

After what feels like hours, I punch the first floor button and wait to be taken down. I'm not sure where I'm going, but any place is better than here. The doors swing open and I walk out, wiping at my eyes furiously. I glance around the lobby and realize that it's practically empty. I shift my gaze to the restaurant and notice that all the lights are off except for the ones in the kitchen. Had I really been crying that long? I normally wouldn't stray back there, but I could go for some ice cream.