Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

Chapter 5 - Ghosts of Memories Past

My fingers lightly traced over the picture of a sandy haired boy with beautiful, blue eyes. His smile was unlike anything I'd ever seen. He always silenced a room with it and captured the attention of everyone who was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of it. Of course he never knew that. He never saw himself as desirable to the opposite sex, or to anyone for that matter. He was sweet. Charming. Undeniably handsome. He was my baby brother. He was my Luke.

Flashback

"Carson, I just don't understand why I have to do this. I feel ridiculous."

"Maybe. But you look incredible!" I shriek as I hold the jacket up so he can shrug his arms through.

"I feel like a douche," he scoffs. "This is what all the asshole guys at my school wear and I don't particularly want to be one of them." For reasons I can't explain, Luke doesn't embrace his looks. Or the money that comes with being part of the Roberts family. I, on the other hand, use everything I can and then some. That's how it's supposed to be. If you have it, flaunt it.

"Oh, come on. You can't tell me there isn't a single girl you don't like. Because I can guarantee she wouldn't be able to turn you down after seeing you in this!" I rotate my finger as if to signal him to turn around and he hesitantly obliges.

"If it takes changing who I am to get her attention, then she isn't the type of girl I'm interested in anyways," he smugly replies as he faces me again.

"Sometimes I think you're too good for this family," I smile.

"And sometimes I think you use being a part of this family as an excuse to be an asshole," he grins. "You don't have to be like them, you know." And by them he means our parents. With our dad mostly out of the picture, we don't exactly have the best examples to follow. How Luke ended up the way he did, I will never know. I always tease him about being adopted, even though it's very apparent that we're related.

"No, I don't," I agree. "But this way I always have someone to blame the behavior on."

"And what about when you're grown and out of the house?" He presses.

"I'll always have you to blame," I smile before piling more clothes into his arms.

End of Flashback

The reality of it is I'll never have him to blame for anything. I'll never have someone to call when I've lost all my friends by doing something stupid, but inevitable. I'll never have someone to bicker with about all the problems with our parents. I'll never have someone to give me the advice I don't want, but so desperately need. Because the person who was everything to me is no longer here. The person I never appreciated is gone and he's not coming back.

I quickly wiped the tears that fell to the paper that held my brother's face. This is the one picture I have of us together where he was actually smiling. He never liked getting his picture taken because he always thought he looked silly. But this one.. This one was perfect. His arm was draped around my shoulder as my head leaned into him. He was laughing about some joke that I can't remember for the life of me and I was looking up at him like he was my hero. And maybe he always has been. He's been there to save me from myself in a way that no one else could. He understood me even when I didn't even know it myself. He was the one person I could count on through thick and thin. And he's gone because of me.

In the last couple of months before he died, I became distant. Our parents were getting divorced, Evan cheated on me, Mel was so focused on grades and which college to apply to, I felt like I had no one. I turned away from Luke because I didn't want him to see me like that. He was so good and so pure and I was the opposite. I didn't want to corrupt him the way I had with so many other people. I didn't want to dim the light that often pulled me from the darkness that surrounded me.