Reason #1

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by haileyisblue

by haileyisblue

I want to let you know that the title of this book wasn't just conjured up in my mind for a comedic purpose (or rather a sad attempt at one.) "Reasons To Love Your Husband" is an actual Google search I've made. Because after countless inside joke bound to turn real induced tears, I just had to go to the bottom of the barrel to search for a reason as to why I married this man. Or rather 100 of them as that's the second page that came up in the search results. However, I knew that even 100 reasons was not enough to get past the fact that one of his Google searches was how to smuggle a shark into Canada so he could reenact Jaws in our swimming pool when we're older. So, I kept it simple and clicked on the first one that popped up, which had 15 reasons rather than the extra 85. These reasons were actually genuine, coming from a loving and doting partner, so the only thing I managed was how to disprove them and turn them into a crazy ass book chapter for Miles to hate me for later. That being said, here's the first reason. to be a sneaky author with no original creative ideas whatsoever, I'll do one per chapter so I can keep the story going until I'm beating a dead horse so hard you could call me a pop star.

reason #1: He gives you good advice.

The advice we gave one another is probably the reason why some people are in prison. And it is for that reason that I used the word "gave". If anything, It's not advice that we give one another, its a balance. Or a very tight leash so we don't hurdle ourselves into horrible half baked decisions and hellfire. Also, the rest of the world. I remember him telling me that I was one of the only things that keeps him from doing these things because whenever he's about to do one of these things I always say "MILES, NO." I found it funny because while he was saying this, my mind took me back to last Halloween when he lit his stone porch on fire trying to make blue flames inside of a pumpkin with rubbing alcohol. As he put it, the first time was an accident, the next twenty times after that leading up to his mum pulling up to the house with her porch actively in flames were not. I almost wish I could say she was even mildly upset, but she wasn't. At this point, she's basically given up until Miles has matches, and was only really concerned with the fact that a mother took her two year old and ran away from us.

Any other advice isn't really advice. It's more of complaining and threats. Threats come in from Miles when people are flirting with me which always ends up being the creepiest bunch of assholes my school has to offer and complaining is just about everything else. Schoolwork, home, schoolwork at home, you get it. Honestly, I think the best and worst advice we've ever given each other, or given each other at all is "just fuck it, man." That's it. That's all I can think of.

A funny thing on advice in general with me, is people often come to me for it, and the worst part? It's usually on dating. You'd think I'd already made it pretty clear through my bribed marriage, multiple encounters with people who may as well have been in a Craigslist ad once or twice in their lives already hitting on me and the stripper ex I stupidly took back that I know nothing about this shit. And I couldn't if I tried. Honest to god, it should be studied as part of the science curriculum, which I wasn't far from either. In grade ten science, a boy and a girl in my class would have these hilarious arguments over whether or not the boy brought her flowers on Valentine's Day when they were kids and my teacher would be the Jerry Springer of it all. Minus the strippers, of course. Unless you count my friend snapping a picture of my teacher and drawing over it to make him look like a pinup. And then him making a not well thought out comment on double displacement saying, "I could spot a Double D from a mile away." Then a girl in class filmed him saying that and made a remix out of it and played it in class. Double D'S is my nickname for that teacher now, I even ran into his class one day and drew a bra on his board while he wasn't looking and then ran out. It wouldn't be the first time he's had something like that on his board either. My cousin is one the culprits for that, but I won't go into detail about that.

It's late now, and I can hardly see. I guess I'll leave it there then. There's the first reason to love your husband, and the first reason why I'm surprised mine hasn't divorced me. Yet.