because i wanted you to know

01

With your fingers running through your hair, and your infectious laugh and your voice echoing across the room, I think part of me knew I was going to fall in love.

I think I knew exactly what you'd mean to me.

I guess maybe I thought my certainty of you insured we'd work out in the end. It's not that you ever gave me a sign, or you ever lead me on.

Even when we talked everyday, I never felt particularly close to you. I just felt that I should be.

When I first figured out I was in deep it was the month of October. I wanted to show you where I grew up, where I went when the autumn leaves fell and the pumpkins were ready for harvest. I wanted you to know where I came from, why I am the way that I am. I wanted you to understand me.

And I've never been so desperate for someone to know me like that. In fact, I've always been particularly private about my life, so cautious about who I let in. With you, though, I had no second thoughts about letting you see me without my guard.

Maybe I thought you'd understand me better than I understood myself. Maybe I thought by shoving my childhood pictures in your face and explaining why my dad used to move from state to state and how I was never quite sure of what I wanted to be when I grew up, just that I wanted people to know my name, you'd understand why I love you with no provocations and no limits. Maybe you'd understand why I was so willing to give myself to you when I knew you didn't even want me.

Then again, maybe I just wanted to force the closeness. I wanted you to feel the way I felt. And maybe if you knew me, you would.

It wasn't until you chose someone else over me, time after time, and I never got upset, that I realized I wanted you to understand me because I felt like I truly understood you.