because i wanted you to know

05

Truthfully, I don't even know what point i'm trying to get across or what this story concludes to, if it concludes to anything at all.

I'm certain it doesn't make sense to anyone else, or even you. After all, there were no sequence of events that led me to feel the way that I felt, the way that I still feel. There was no interesting uprising or climactic point of the story that made me think, "yes, that's it. he's the one."

It was more like I just woke up and I knew. And everyday afterward that I lived without you was torture.

My undying adoration is almost pitiful.

You never put a second thought into me, while I still spend all my nights awake, contemplating what I'd do differently if I ever had another shot. It's quite sad, loving you the way that I do.

Maybe this story is some twisted form of an apology. A selfish apology. One that will help me, and one that you will never actually see.

Nonetheless, I've known for quite some time now that I wanted to tell you I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I gave you my all when you only wanted a little bit. I'm sorry that I couldn't give up on you when I knew you wanted me to. I chased and chased after someone that never wanted to be caught, not by me.

Most of all, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was in love with you when I knew that I was. I'm sorry I never truly did anything about it.

Because now you will spend the rest of your days going after girls who could never  love you, and I will spend the rest of mine pining after something dead and gone.

I had almost made peace with this idea. Winter nights alone in my room, the flickering of a sandalwood candle, the emptiness of my bed so familiar to me. I normalized the loneliness I felt from deep within, I made friends with my sadness.

When I finally saw you that December, I swore it meant nothing, I swore I was over it.

Truth is, and I'm sure you could've guessed, it meant everything.