because i wanted you to know

12

I had to tell you. I had to tell you because I was tired of letting you have all of the control.

So one drunken night I just said it. I said that I had feelings for you—real feelings. And you made me feel like an idiot for saying anything at all.

I didn't get the relief I wanted. I just felt really...heartbroken.

It's not that I expected you to confess your love for me or anything. I knew that even if you cared for me it wouldn't be nearly on the same plane of existence as the care I had in my heart for you.

I just expected something. I expected something that would allow me to move forward in some way or another and you couldn't even manage to give me that.

How is it that I stood up and owned my emotions and confronted you and you still made it feel like you had all the control. You never gave me a straight answer. You never said yes, I feel it too or no, sorry I feel nothing. I threw my goddamn heart at your feet and you still managed to string me along.

How did you do that? How did you have me that wrapped around your finger? How did you avoid giving me the answers I needed?

I didn't even realize how badly I wanted you until it occurred to me that I might never have you at all, not even halfway, maybe never even as a friend again. I felt like I was desperately clinging to something that might've never been tangible.

I told you that I couldn't do it anymore if it wasn't reciprocated and I still felt like I was the one losing something.

I didn't know what else I could do. It's like I needed you to know but I didn't want anything to happen except the scenario I built up in my head, like I wanted an answer, but only if it was yes. Like I was tired of holding on, but I didn't want to let go.

I was so scared at the thought of never feeling again what I felt with you. And the idea that I had no other choice but to move on after this made me sick to my stomach. The idea that there might be no more back and forth; no more chances; no more maybes—terrified me. And my terror only confused me more because I had thought that I wanted to tell you how I felt so I could be free from all that. I thought I wanted to escape the back and forth and maybes and not knowing.

But perhaps I just kid myself into thinking you'd feel the same. Maybe I had convinced myself that if I was straight up with you, you'd give me what I wanted. I was no where near prepared for what would happen if you didn't.

And it felt like it just didn't matter to you. Nothing ever fucking mattered to you. I was crying and my heart was breaking and it took every ounce of courage I had to press the send button, and you were just fine.

Then you apologized for hurting me. My heart broke even more (if that's possible). I cried over your apology for days.

I'm sorry I was hurting you. It makes me so sad knowing that. I'm sorry I did that to you.

You said you ruined everything with people. You said everything was just bad when it involved you.

I felt like I was going to throw up.

And is that supposed to be love? Is love feeling so full of emotion you can't even keep your food down?

Because you fucking hurt me. So many times you hurt me, and when I finally surrendered and told you that, when I finally begged you to please put the knife down, I didn't feel any sense of freedom. I just felt sorry. I felt sorry that you were sorry and I felt sorry that you hated yourself so much you needed to hurt me to feel better. I felt sorry that I asked you to stop. I felt sorry that being there for you drained me. I wish it didn't.

I wish you didn't want to distance yourself from me in fear of ruining me. I wish I didn't ask you to. And I know none of this makes sense because I had to put myself first and I had to pull myself out of that hole that was loving you without provocations or limits, but I hated myself for having to.

And I couldn't even sleep because I wanted you to be okay. I knew you'd be okay without me, but I wanted you to really be okay.

And I don't know what it means when someone takes everything from you and you still want the best for them, I just know I put you before myself and I would throw all of my feelings aside to be there for you. I would take all the sad for you if I could, I swear it. And I know we might never be what I imagined, I just know I don't want to live my life without having some kind of certainty that you will be alright and it hurts. It fucking hurts loving you this way.

Then it occurred to me that maybe I was never in love with you at all, maybe I was just in love with the pain you gave me. Because nothing about this situation was beautiful or passionate or poetic. You took advantage of me and I let you. I let you do it over and over.

It was selflessness and it was putting myself last and it was trying to save someone that wasn't even sure that they wanted to be saved.

And it was pain. Everyday it was pain.

I tried to let go of it and letting go of it hurt every time. I didn't want to let go of the back and forth and the maybes and the not knowing because maybe I liked it. Maybe I liked it when you hurt me because at least I was feeling something. Before you I felt empty. I felt like maybe I wasn't real at all. And now there's a constant stabbing in my chest but fuck at least it's something. At least I'm feeling something.

So yeah maybe this story is an apology after all.

I'm sorry that the pain finally got to be too much. I'm sorry I have feelings for you. I'm sorry I care for you when you really don't want me to. I'm sorry that you distancing yourself from me only makes me want you more. I'm sorry I'm not making any sense. You've jumbled all of my thoughts and I can't even comprehend emotion anymore.

I'm sorry I let you have me, all of me, to the point where I could no longer be familiar with the most important parts of myself because I gave them all to you. I'm sorry I fell in love with the pain. I'm sorry I convinced myself this was more than it really was.

This wasn't a love story. This was just you being broken and me trying to fix you. Instead I ended up breaking.

It was never romantic and you never meant for me to get attached and you never meant to ruin me the way that you did.

This wasn't a love story.

But I'm sorry I loved you regardless.