these darkened stars {andy biersack}

chapter four

the two young adults settled for a chipotle just off the highway. there had been a small argument over the famous mexican joint or the ihop located right next to it. andy ended up winning out, mostly because he was the driver so he technically forced her to go to chipotle.

"i'm sorry," he halfheartedly apologized as they both got out of the car and headed inside. "i just really hate breakfast foods-well, anything but hash browns."

alex shot him a dirty, yet still playful glare, walking inside when he opened the door for her. "should've eaten hash browns, then, stick boy."

andy chuckled softly and followed her lead to the empty line. "what do you have against chipotle?"

"the first time i came here," she leaned over towards him and lowered her voice before approaching the counter, "i ordered tacos. tacos, and they gave me two shells with nothing but a crappy amount of meat. no cheese, lettuce, sour cream, tomatoes, anything. then, their beans and rice tasted like shit."

"and.. the second time?"

alex shook her head. "there hasn't been a second time after that."

she let him go first, since he knew what he wanted and she was very cautious about the entire menu, not wanting a repeat of the last time's mistakes. he helped guide her through it, asking her what she wanted on her food and if she wanted the sides. in the end, she did pretty alright with the ordering, and her food came out looking like actual food and not something a child made with their play toys.

"i'll have to give it to you," she bobbed her head, mouth half full with her first bite. "it's not half bad. the meat tastes so much better with everything else actually on it this time."

andy chuckled, biting into some mexican vegetarian salad and chewing. "i've never tasted the meat, but i'm gonna agree with you because this food is the shit."

she breathed out a laugh and they resumed eating, remaining mostly quiet for the duration of their meal. she hadn't argued when he had paid earlier, but told him repeatedly that she would pay for the next one as a thank you, and because she didn't wanna come off as a shitty person who didn't pay for anything themselves.

with the coming and going of dusk, there had been quite a few people who started to arrive after them, filling up the tables around them until it was near full and then near empty again. alex hated the temporary-ness of it all.

"don't you get tired of it?" she asked andy without looking at him. instead, her eyes were focused on a family of four, a couple and their children, that were busy finishing eating and throwing their trash away so they could leave. there was another three people at the table next to them, passing a phone around and laughing to themselves. soon, they would leave, too.

"tired of what?" andy's tone was curious as he leaned back in the booth they sat in. his legs were spread out as best they could under the table, one ankle crossed over the other. he sipped the iced tea that still filled his cup, but his plate was empty, along with alex's.

"the temporary," she answered, a blink later and her eyes drifted to his with the same look that she had been giving the family. sadness, confusion, anger. all in one. "i mean, you say that you haven't stopped traveling for years. you say don't have any friends because you never stick around long enough to make them. doesn't it get old?"

he looked down, gaze cast to the glossed marble of the table. did it get old? maybe the better question was, did it get lonely?

"no," he resolved, shaking his head. though with that answer, there was still something sad that beat within his chest. the heart that still felt the clench of pain too often. "i love driving like people love acting, or singing, or playing an instrument. i love it like people love people, i don't think it could ever get old."

"but don't you miss having constant people around you?" she pushed on, wanting to know more about the strange man that was kind enough to stop and offer her a ride to god knew where.

the pause was enough to make him question himself. "i—i don't know, i guess i've never really thought about it. i try not to get stuck in places for too long. i mean, i've been doing this since i was barely 18, the road is all i really know now."

alex hummed, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the table. she crossed her arms and looked at him in inquiry. "but what about home?"

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, like.. your family, your house. what about your parents? and brothers, sisters, dog? what about them?"

what about them? what about your family?

when he looked at her again his eyes were full of fury, masking the pain that he hid so well. "i don't have a family." his words were cold; detached, because that was easier than what he was really feeling. emotions were crippling; he didn't need them. he didn't need anything or anyone.

with those words, the conversation was over. he stood up abruptly and stormed to the trash, dumping his meal and drink and pushing the door that led him to the outside, where the stars were burning as bright as they could tonight. he needed a cigarette.

andy wasn't a smoker, per say, but every once in a while he would feel the craving and didn't mind satisfying it. his throat already burned as he pulled one out from his pack, along with a lighter he kept in his jacket pocket, shielding the flame from the breeze as he lit it and pulled it to his lips.

he took a deep drag, throat clenching from the tears his eyes wouldn't shed. he'd never dealt with grief, and so it still haunted him, even now. it had been a long time, but wherever he went, the grief still followed. and maybe that was part of the reason he kept on driving. he didn't wanna deal with it, and he knew that if he settled down somewhere, it would catch him. he wasn't ready to deal with it.

alex soon joined him on the sidewalk, eyes catching the no smoking sign. she decidedly ignored it. his posture was firm, shoulders laid back with ease. his composure was falling, she noticed by the way his eyes were becoming red and glossed over as he took drag after drag of his nearly gone cigarette.

"i'm sorry," she apologized, having to look up to him to see his face. she was around a good foot shorter than he was, just missing average female height. "i pushed you too far, and i'm sorry. i shouldn't have done that, you don't even know me. you don't owe me any answers."

he blew the smoke out and it faded away into the breeze. the cigarette didn't end up helping as much as he hoped it would, so he let it fall to the cemented ground and snuffed it out with his boot. anger still gripped his aching heart.

"you want to know everything," he exhaled, glancing at her before returning to the world above him. "but you're trying to open a door where there is only a wall. i would advise you to leave it the hell alone before you make things worse for yourself."

andy took out his keys and climbed into his truck, slamming the door. he didn't drive off like she thought he would. instead, he waited in the driver's seat with his head down, like he was ashamed of his words. hesitantly, she followed.

he was ashamed. ashamed of the useless anger he couldn't let go of. he was angry for being angry and angry that he couldn't control his raging emotions. he hadn't meant to snap like that, but when someone got too close to something he didn't want to bring up his emotions were like currents, dragging him out into an endless sea of misery.

his eyes were a frantic ocean of anger, shame, and grief, and tonight she could tell he was drowning in them.