Winged

Chapter Five: Under The Willow

Annabelle 

We gather underneath the sunrise to say goodbye to Xavier.

The sky is too beautiful for a day as dreary as this. The pinks and blues try to hide our grief with their vibrance; they try to pretend it's all right. It's not all right. It's all wrong. A piece of my heart is missing; the sky should suffer as I do.

Cry as I do.

I haven't cried in so long. I forgot what it felt like. Like I can't stop shaking, I can't stop sobbing and each time I take a big breath and try to pull myself together, a fresh wave of sorrow hits and I'm knocked back down to my knees.

The sky should be grey. The rain should be falling in sheets. Maybe the cold would numb this pain.

I'm in so much pain.

It hurts- no; it aches- and it's never going away. I knew that from the moment he died, that this grief may fade over time but that it would forever haunt me. Until I join him, I'll be but a shell of who I once was. A rage-filled, grief-stricken shell of a girl without her better half. Without her baby brother.

Orange leaves litter the earth. Some fall into the rushing water, others into the shallow grave at my feet. It's about two feet deep. It's barely long enough to fit his lanky figure. We stand before his curtain-covered body, his face the only thing visible. I wanted to look at him one last time. He doesn't look himself without his hair in his eyes.

With a shaking voice, I begin the words to mark his departure.

"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sunshine warm your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields,
Until we meet again."

Xavier's legs sit at an awkward angle in the wrappings of fabric, his face hollow and white. It's as if someone placed a straw in his mouth and sucked the life from him. It's not fair. My Xavier was a genius. He would have made things to revolutionize our era, I'm sure of it. Me? I'm useless. It should have been me. Why did he have to be so heroic? It's not fair.

I move to wrap my arms around Lucy. Willow leaves brush my hair as I pull her to my chest.

Breathe in,

breathe out.

I continue with a stronger voice.

"May your sacrifice be not in vain,
May we take your suffering and bear it ourselves,
So you may rest in peaceful solemnity,
As flowers grow from your once blue eyes,
Until we meet again."

I see his hair being brushed back from his eyes as he works late into the night by moonlight, too focused on his creation to notice me staring sleepily. He cursed quietly, and held up his finger to the moonlight, pricked on a piece of wire.

I see our last argument, when I called him useless. I told him his inventions would get him nothing but a few occasional merits. That he should find something that contributed to our family. I was talking about myself.

And then I see the rage on his face, mirrored in mine, as he threw himself, unarmed, at the hunter handling Lucy. Then I see the hunter as he threw my brother to the ground. I see the man driving his boot into Xavier's exposed side, then I see the dogs, foaming from the mouth and leaping onto his writhing form. I tried, and I should have been able to save him, but my wrists struggled until they were raw and my mind ached with strain.

Breathe in,

breathe out.

"May the-"

My voice cracks, and through the tears I resume, chin tilted towards the gleaming sun.

"May the Makers guide you safely home,
As you were born from their love,
You return to them,
Sleep in the arms of Mage,
Until we meet again."

Wake up, baby brother. I seriously need one of your hugs right now.

This can't be happening. He can't be gone. The body in the hole isn't my brother. It can't be. My brother smiled at me two days ago. Hugged me! The ghost of his arms still lingers! And yet I find myself repeating the phrase of the dead.

"Until we meet again, Xavier Thornton."

I pick up the first handful of dirt and stare at it. My hands are shaking. I close my eyes and concentrate on the gurgle of the river. Eyes open, I watch as my hand extends over the grave, turns and then drops the dirt in a slow trickle over his chest.

The dirt pitter-patters on the yellow, moth-bitten fabric; some landing on his face. I resist the urge to wipe it from his brow.

Two scoops of dirt. Three.

I'm sorry, Xave. I wish I paid more attention to you. I wish I asked more questions. I wish you knew how much I cared. I wish I could go back in time and stop every argument. I wish I could spend that wasted time telling you how much I looked up to you.

My twin.

My best friend.

The others join in and the grave fills slowly. Soon all that's left to see of my brother is a patch of overturned dirt underneath a willow tree.

Ethan sits on the bank, watching respectfully as we go about our tradition. I take Lucy's hand and we search for a rock each. I let her choose where to look, for I feel as though I don't have the strength to do much else. She finds a flat grey stone and holds it to her chest as we encircle the willow, ducking low to miss the leaves.

My rock is half-buried under the willow roots, not unlike Xavier. It's a pure white colour, veined lightly with quartz and half covered in dirt. I place a light kiss atop it and we arrange our rocks where his head disappeared. Five rocks for five sisters.

Xave? If you can hear me I...
this is stupid.
Xave, it broke me into a million pieces when you left. I miss you in every moment. I go to tell you something but you're not there. I'm angry. I can't do this without you by my side. I'm mad because it's so unfair. To you. To me. To our sisters. To ma and pa because they can't be here.
And...
I'm in pain.
I miss you so much.
Xave, oh maker I just want a hug.

We all stand tall and clasp hands. Lucy squeezes tightly, her fingers going white.

"Siira 't d'morra, In our memories you shall live on." We chorus as a final goodbye. This can't be happening.

"May I?" Ethan whispers. To the nod of my head, he lowers his own rock- as dark and small as a button.

"In our memories you shall live on." He mutters, unable to speak our sacred tongue.

"Until we meet again."