Swasan SS - Elixir

Chapter 10

Elixir
By holding on to the night you can never gain stars. True, but harder to comply. He had been burned so badly by the sun he chased; he had willingly engulfed himself with night. A long ago, Ragini had addressed it right; they were creatures of darkness, dawn and light were much beyond them. He had believed it for so long, had almost forgotten the colors of sunlight.
The door slowly cracked open, as if he had pushed a barrier of his heart. The result was always the same. He could push it deep beneath the many layers he had sawn to his mind, press it to a thin layer of dust but his old self was still there, innocent, vibrant, and unbelievably cheerful. The room had not changed an inch from its replica in his mind.
It was the place where he used to paint, in times forgotten. Canvases bearing his work from all times still filled its space. Colors, emotions, memories and light filled the vacuum of isolation and ignorance here. Sanskar took a deep breath, feeling finally, some part of his peace.
He had only lit one of the wall lamps, that casted a gloomy light over the silhouettes of his scattered canvases and pearl colored walls. Slivers of moonlight trespassed in, through the plan glassed, uncovered tall windows. If he was to do what he had planned, he had to start now.
It was like listening to your own childhood voice, of which you have memories but can never again attain in this life. Finding his instruments he felt that same thrill, as his fingers touched them slowly. The Sanskar who used to be their best friend was forgotten somewhere. They demanded an introduction from him, whispered him about the jolly fellow they used to adore and asked him if he had ever seen that guy around. He would have to win their affections once more, like he had won hers.
Closing his eyes, he let that image emerge from his thoughts and smudge in to the surface of his mind, the image that filled his heart with warmth and fresh breath; the image of life.
There had been many sleepless nights in his life, but none of them had the fondness in this one. They were simply attached to suffering and pain, or planning and desire, they were heavy, crushing his soul; he could not remember if he breathed through them at all. This, was a night of devotion, light as his soul and heart were, tied to hopes and dreams, lifting the weariness he felt inside; he lived through each of its moments until they faded in to past out of his hold.
*
Elixir
Gaining is honey, regaining is elixir, there was a slight smile curling her lips as she slept, sinking in to a deep, colorful dream of warmer days. It was a cold winter night that curled her toes, moonlight bouncing in soft shadows over her cheeks. Had it not been for the knock on her door, she wouldn’t have woken up for many more hours.
‘Sanskar?’ She said sleepily, before stretching an arm to grab her alarm clock. ‘It’s five thirty, did you sleep at all?’
Sanskar gave her a grin and shook his head.
‘Come, there’s something to show you.’
‘Whaat?’ She slumbered.  ‘Can’t it wait another couple of hours?’
‘Absolutely not,’ he insisted. ‘Come on now, you were used to get up earlier than this!’
‘Did I?’
‘We used to jog even before sunrise,’ Sanskar told her as she scrambled out of her bed. ‘I used to jog,’ he corrected himself then. ‘You used to tail me, half sleepily like a zombie from Walking Dead muttering incoherent sentences!’
‘Huh?’ She shook off the intended sarcasm. ‘Why trouble me then? You should have jogged by yourself.’
‘I liked seeing you in the mornings,’ he said honestly.
‘Sharp excuse,’ she said following him exactly as he described along the passageway.
*
Present (Beyond both poison and elixir)
Her head was pounding, her senses crushed beneath many layers of unconsciousness induced by that poison in her system. Somehow, it resurfaced those memories; she had been reliving them till now, both poison and elixir of her life. With each memory she narrated Swara watched the slightly hazy face of Lakshya whiten further, it gave her an odd sense of pleasure.
Something wooden cracked with a large noise, he had kicked a chair.
‘That’s it? Is that all the drug could make you remember? You remember him and him only! What about me?’
‘What can I do if you were not worth remembering?’ She rubbed some salt in to his raw cuts with the words she could manage. ‘What can possibly your drug do?’
He stretched himself to his full height, his face contorted with rage.
‘You’re not going anywhere until you remember everything!’
She laughed weakly.
‘You’re going to be in a lot of trouble.’
‘What do you think? He’ll save you or something?’
‘I pray he won’t kill you, which I fear is inevitable now.’
Lakshya knelt in front of her, his face came to a clear focus.
‘Why Swara? Why do you love him so much?’
‘Had I known, I would have explained.’ She told him.
‘Do you know how much it hurts me? I had always consoled myself saying you did not love him. But I saw, I saw with my own eyes,’ he stopped and winced for a moment. ‘How blissful you were when he kissed you.’
‘Nobody invited you to spy on us,’ she said slowly. ‘You’re responsible for your own wounds!’
‘You had promised me a lot of things do you remember?’
‘No, but I remember how you broke them all on our supposed to be wedding day!’
‘Do you know how much I repented for that mistake of mine?’
‘Do you know how glad I was, about that mistake of yours? You didn’t tell me you how you ditched Ragini only because you had started to fancy me. It wasn’t your intention when you befriended me right? You wanted to bait me to save you love and changed your mind in the middle? Isn’t that true? And repentance, it sounds funny when you say that, was framing me in to a hideous betrayal your way of repentance? Why Lakshya? Ask yourself, have you ever loved me? Or simply the idea of obtaining me…?’
‘I didn’t want to hurt you,’ he said slowly. ‘I had no choice. First I was scared Sanskar would snatch my love, for what I, Adarsh bhai and Kavita Bhabi had done to him earlier. I had no choice but to use you. Then, what I feared indeed came through; he snatched my love with the aid of my best friend who also wanted to destroy me. Do you think I should have given up then?’
‘Yes,’ said Swara. ‘Because I took the decision of marrying Sanskar, he had not forced me. Had I still loved you, I would have waited for you to know the truth and come back.’
‘No, you were angry with me then,’ Lakshya cut in. ‘and Sanskar manipulated you. I couldn’t just watch you falling deeper and deeper in to his trap. Kavita Bhabi helped me there. She and Adarsh bhai wanted to sabotage his success, I had no choice to release you from his clutches but to make you a part of their plan, make him see how dangerous you can be to him.’
‘And still you claim to love me?’
‘Why else would I do all this?’ Lakshya yelled. ‘Sanskar didn’t trust you either did he? he thought you indeed played a part on his destruction, didn’t he?’
‘No,’ said Swara. ‘He thought I loved you, he wanted me to be happy with or without him. That’s where you two differ from each other.’
‘Fine! I’m no saint! I can’t sacrifice my love, even if I think that makes her happy, because I know, I know she’d be happy with me too.’
‘Can you hear yourself? Of how stupid and delusional you sound?’
‘Are you calling me crazy?’
‘Perhaps I am.’
‘Then you don’t know how I lost my senses in your love. I had done things I could have never thought possible of me.’
‘Don’t tell me…’
‘Do you really think Kavita Bhabi planted that bomb alone? Can anyone ever manage something like that alone?’
‘Did you? How could you? He was your brother!’
‘Adarsh bhai wanted him dead! Wanted his path to the Maheshwari Empire cleared. Papa knew this, that’s why he had put you on Sanskar’s trail so that we can’t plant someone working for us there and secretly finish the job. Papa, he always favored him. But do you know where he went wrong? He never stopped us either, only blocked our path, we found an alternate road, so simple!’
There was a silence. In which Lakshya turned around in hope of a reply.
‘Swara?’
Her head hang back lifelessly from the chair she was tied to; he gulped nervously reaching her in a few quick steps. ‘Swara?’ He said again tapping her cheek, she was ice cold. ‘Swara? Talk to me!’
Then something he had never imagined happened.
Her lips curled slightly and she smiled. He took a step backwards in shock, as she broke in to an eerie laughter. She laughed and laughed, in a soft ringing voice.
‘Thank you Lakshya,’ she said then. ‘Thank you for spending you entire life as a weapon for someone or the other.’
By the time he had realized what had happened, he was already surrounded by police officers who had heard every word of his confession. Ragini emerged from the shadows, closely followed by Sanskar, both of them had glum smiles on their faces.
‘You!’ Lakshya said in shock. ‘You helped them?’
Ragini nodded slowly as Sanskar rushed to Swara, helping her out of the ropes tied around her and back to her feet. His features were concerned and weary as he made sure she was alright.
‘So that’s why the drug didn’t work?’ Lakshya said again.
‘I had collected Ragini once; it was easy to collect her again.’ Sanskar replied.
‘He had the most valuable thing in my life; I had no reason not to help him after he had proved all my grudges were baseless.’ Ragini explained slowly. It was the only thing she still believed she owed Lakshya; an explanation.
*
Elixir
It had been early morning; the sunshine shimmered in every corner.
‘I don’t like travelling with you Sanskar,’ Ragini said slowly.
‘The feeling is mutual,’ said Sanskar shortly. ‘But since you’re up against the woman I love, we have to do this final discussion.’
‘Why?’
‘Because only cowards go to war without considering peace first,’ he said then. ‘We used to be friends; I used to care what happens to you too.’
‘Past tense sounds sweet,’ she said sarcastically.
‘I know why you hate her,’ he said slowly.
‘Then why don’t you agree? I lost my mum because of her! Don’t I have a right to hate her?’
‘You mother is alive Ragini.’
She inhaled deeply.
‘Even by your standards that was a cruel lie!’
‘Do you know why she left your father’s house?’
‘Yes, because he brought that girl home!’
‘No, because he tried to kill her!’
‘Wh…what?’
‘You were right in thinking that he had never loved your mother. He was compelled to marry her and had wanted to throw her out of his life always. Bringing that child home, the child of the woman he truly loved was indeed planed to make her leave, but why? Because he could easily eliminate her then. That accident, which you believe had killed her, was originated by your father. But…she didn’t die. Swara’s mother did.’
‘No, no you’re lying!’
‘She died saving your mom, your father’s plan had failed cruelly and your mother escaped.’
‘Stop it Sanskar! Do you seriously think I’d believe your fabrications over my father’s word?’
Sanskar stopped the car.
‘Not my fabrications, believe your own eyes and ears’ He said holding the door open for her. ‘Surely you remember how your mother looked like huh?’
Her eyes noted the colorful sight and the tinkle of the bell as her shivering feet carried her inside. As her eyes filled with moisture and her throat dried of words, Sanskar called out the lady who had captured their vision.
‘Shai? I brought your new year gift.’
*
Last drop of elixir
That lamp was still lit, casting ghostly silver light that mixed with the silvery shine of the dawn. Swara looked around her eyes travelling from one canvas to another.
‘What is it?’ She asked a hint of excitement in her tone.
‘Wait,’ said Sanskar absentmindedly gazing out of the window. They could see the garden outside, with straps of light across its ground and a patch of faint stared sky above.
‘For what?’
He turned to look at her, slightly smiling.
‘Do you know the first color of dawn?’
‘Hmm…pink?’
‘Nope,’ Sanskar shook his head. ‘It’s silver. The combination of light and darkness, last shadow and first light, the brightest night could touch and the darkest morning can adore.’
‘It’s foolish to think morning and night miles apart or worlds different,’ said Swara as she joined him at the window, gazing at the sky. ‘See them merging, right before our eyes.’ She felt Sanskar’s warm fingers slide through the gaps of her colder ones, grasping her hand loosely as he listened to her silently. ‘That is the difference between dusk and dawn, dusk is followed by night, the light and darkness merge to obliterate themselves, end the day in shadows. The dawn again brings them closer, for fresher beginnings, breeze and mornings.’
‘I could have objected highly had I not been holding in to dawn myself,’ he said slowly. ‘I’ve been in darkness too long, sunlight hurts my eyes,’ he closed his eyes for a moment. ‘But still, light is the only thing that draws me towards itself, even if it would burn me in the end.’
‘I’ve been a blinding light haven’t I?’ she said softly. ‘Hurting you with all the good things you couldn’t have? Making you realize how far broken you are? I was wicked, vile and selfish.’
‘So was I,’ said Sanskar. ‘We both hurt each other until we bled for the other, broke each other until we could touch our hearts, fought against until each became the other’s shield.’
‘It was a bizarre way to fall in love,’ she agreed. ‘Thankfully it’s dawn now.’
‘Yes, the first light, the silver light.’
Gripping her shoulders he turned her around, to face the freshly finished canvas she had not noticed earlier. The canvas faded from silver to cerulean to pink and sprinkles of gold forming an endless coating of heavens above as its background. In the middle, the sky displayed darker colors, her hair, fall from cloudy locks of deep midnight blue, the silver of her smile and the crimson of her cheeks still morphed the morning. She was not veiled like Kavita had been but warmly smiling and closer. Her eyes deep and dark still reflected the starry night. Swara drew in a deep breath of frosty morning air; still it filled her insides with warmth and her eyes with moisture.
‘I’m not this ethereally beautiful, or pristine.’
‘You’re a goddess for me. A dream I never wish to wake from, a charm I wish would never be lifted, too pure that I fear to touch, too prevailing yet distant, like sunshine, not really a part of my world yet the ruler of it all.’
‘I’m not a part of your world, true.’ She said, drawing him closer and gripping his upper arms. ‘And neither have I wished to be.’ She stopped watching the effect her words had on him. ‘I am a part of you, world is for the rest.’ She took his hand in hers and brushed her cheek against his palm.
‘Flames don’t malign what they touch, what is pure belongs to them only.’
‘Your trust frightens me!’
‘It frightens me too.’ Swara agreed. ‘But I’m too deep now, there’s no turning back. All the strength you see is just an illusion I’m shuddering within, breaking in to thousand pieces. I’m scared of the power you hold on me, but it’s too late, somewhere down this path I have already parted with my heart. My soul urges me to forsake my rights on it; it yearns for you every minute every breath, it’s not desire,’ she shook her head slightly. ‘That’s too cold a word and too easily extinguished. It is an emptiness that screams to be filled, silence that aches to be voiced, and a thirst that takes an eternity to satisfy.’
There was a pause, which she did not bother to word and looked in to his darker eyes with her own glittering ones.
‘Some defeats are sweet, if one knows when to lay down the weapons, handover the reins, kneel down and wait for a verdict. I am yours, whether you claim me or not.’
‘What can I claim? I lost a long way back,’ he replied, in the softest of chords and touched her lips with his, in the faintest of touches.
Her hands knotted around his nape and his draped around her waist, each holding the other the closest they would manage, as if holding to the moment itself. Tasting and exploring, pouring all their unsaid and unrealized until one’s breath could not be alienated from the other. The dawn fainted away in to the memory, engulfing those silvery moments in to their golden lights. Could elixir possibly taste sweeter?
*